Thank you @genie. I know it isn’t going to be smooth sailing but I have to accept the situation for what it is, if I want to move forward. I will definitely be on here if I need help as it’s been so helpful to me. Thankfully I have a great support network, my friend and her husband have been superstars.

@doseofreality your message did initially make me feel ashamed but in a good way. It humbled me and it spoke to my conscience. I needed a shake or kick up the arse to move on with life.

I kept going down the same road again and again being hurt by the same person. I now realise i do love him but moreso it was fear of not believing I could find it again with someone else this is because I don’t believe in myself so I desperately tried to fix the situation because I had planned my whole future with him even though he wasn’t the right person. My needs were not met. I met his because I bent over backwards trying to appease him. We weren’t on the same page and didn’t have the communication between us to get there. I wasn’t accepted in the way I accepted him and that’s ok , it doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. I realise now it’s a dead end and not the right relationship for me, it hurts deeply to lose something or one you love but I am wasting my life in something clearly not meant for me or good for me. Love is meant to bring you security and acceptance of who you are. This realization has become more clear from the crisis we all face and from your thoughts shared. It is time for change and I want to leave this earth content in what I had and living a more meaningful life and not wasted. First action is to not look back. So I’ve said my goodbye by leaving him a voicemail and deleted his social media, I have blocked and deleted his phone number so he doesnt contact me and I don’t reopen the same chapter. I have discarded his gifts and boxed up his remaining belongings to be couriered when the lockdown lifts. After 4 years, 4 break ups I have finally accepted it is not healthy for me or him. This was painful for me to do but the biggest step I could take.

I miss him greatly we lived, woke up next to each other for 4 years but I refuse to sit with these thoughts and fantasise. As soon as it comes I acknowledge it’s over and it was good but not good enough for me. I remind myself of the fact it nearly drove me to suicide that thought alone is enough to cut out the reminiscing. How can something healthy lead you there?

With guidance which I have from family, this forum (thanks to @shelbyville )and my best friend I will try to stay on the right road and rebuild and value the short time we have on this earth and surround myself with people who are better for me and love me wholly for who I am. I have given up alcohol and been sober since my last binge. I will continue this as I don’t want to become an addict to alcohol to replace the addiction I had to him. I have started a journal. Each day I jot down my thoughts, goals and what I can do to change it.

I don’t know if you will ever read this. I gather you didn’t want sympathy so I wish you well in the remainder of your life and I hope you realise your message inspired me and I will put effort in to follow through, thank you and all the best x