@michelle I am doing better because I’ve chosen to think , feel and be better. I don’t have control over him leaving and not working to love me in the same way. But I have control on how I deal with myself, my feelings, if I allowed myself I know I would hurt and cry for many more days or even the rest of my life because when I allow myself to think like that it spirals to depth of despair like no other. I don’t want to waste life anymore that became more acutely obvious in this crisis and from DoR words. So now I allow myself to have a little cry but replace the thoughts with hard truths and goals for the future. All the advice here, my family, my best friend is to accept and move on. These are the people who love me and want the best for me, since blocking him and deleting everything I feel an accomplishment in taking control of my life back. I feel if I had left the door open i would have gone back shamelessly begging again and again by making contact to see if we could reunite somehow. But what would be the point? 4 times is too many and a 5th would end the same as the issues were always the same and this person couldn’t commit to me and meet my needs now so I think it was @Genie or @shelbyville who said it but she was right, do I want to eventually coax someone into commitment or marriage for him to leave me again because resentment he had sets back in that would be awful. I want someone who loves me and recognises it would be silly to let this woman slip away because I love him back equally wholly.

Since coming off the alcohol I also have a lot more clarity the fact I had considered ending my life for someone I love who didn’t love me back in the same way for whatever reason and I would have left all the people who do love me devastated, that hit hard and hurt. It was a wake up call. How low had my worth sunk? I was willing to do that for someone who didn’t see me. See the value of me. Accept me flaws and all. Wow that really hurt.

So from now on I’m going to improve myself. That begins by surrounding myself with the people in my life who appreciate me, the ones who accept me, these are the connections I need to build on.

My friend said rejection is God’s way of protection that you are heading in the wrong direction. As a child I grew up going to church every Sunday. In this crisis I’m finding faith again and appreciation of things I took for granted . So maybe that’s why I feel stronger this time around, to fight to get the control over my demons. First time in my life as an adult I want to go to sunday service for Easter but I can’t because of the lockdown. I’ll be praying for you all. Wish you good health @michelle. I see you dont want sympathy so I hope you get lots of years for more exciting travel adventures!