dear anita:

i just finished watching a movie with him, we watched it over facetime, we watched the “notebook”, and the basis of that movie is that they breakup, and the girl finds someone new. she loves him, but she knows deep down that shes only with him for something stable. for me, i dont love anybody else. but i know deep down that something isnt right.

for some reason the movie realy hit a spot for me, i started to cry on the phone, he asked me what was wrong, and i just kept saying.. “im sorry” “im sorry” and he said, dont worry about it lisa. that hurt so bad that i had to hngup….

these past few weeks, ive just been thinking none stop, trying to fix it with him, trying to find a soulution, but anita, i think maybe you know that theres no soulution for what you feel.

i love SO many things about him. and itll break my heart to see him move on, but it will hurt less then dragging this on, he told me the reason he hasnt just gotten back with me,is not because he doesnt forgive me, but because he knows and can feel that something is off. and doesnt want to get hurt again.

right now i feel peace, usually im bawling my eyes out by now, but i think the only way i can stop feeling this stress is to let go. tommorow i am going to see him, for the first time in maybe three weeks. and we said that tommorow well see if this is true love or if im just forcing it, and i guess ill see. anita, i cant stress myself out anymore. i cant have this internal conflict anymore, its driving me crazy

tommorow is my moms birthday, her 5th brthday since shes passed away, i feel really down about that too, it makes me just want to constantly be around my dad and i feel like as long as my dad is here il be okay, thats the same way i felt when i was eleven and my mom passed away, i knew that all i needed was my dad, and i feel so attached to him in these times

tommorow im going to give him the bracelete, i made a list of rules for them,

1st rule: NEVER take off the bracelete unless you fall in love with somebody new

2nd rule:

3touches=i love you

2touches=i miss you

3touches=text/call me

3rd rule; no matter what. we cant break the bracelete, or throw it out no matteer how mad we are at eachother, they symbolise our bond, and well only take them off if we feel its right

anita, i feel peaceful right now. i think that i will be ok either way, i just cant let myself slip, i am worried ill never find somebody that loves me like him. but if its meant to be, he’ll wait for me  when im ready, i dont want to go against the path that the earth is trying to take me on, theres a reason i feel like this and i dont want to fight it. i love him, i always will, we had a baby together {although it died} its something we’ll hold together forever. just us. he’s my bestfriend, and maybe this will change in time.

whatever decision i make i feel like im making a mistake. but atleast i feel at peace right now. i need real time to live on my own without talking to him and see if i just want to get back with him because i miss him or because i actually want to be with him. mo matter what happens ill keep you updated.

KINDEST REGUARDS,  lisa<3