Dear Anita

me and my mom were really close. We always went shopping together and in the morning when she would get ready for work I would just sit and admire her, I followed her everywhere she went.

one day I had a track meet and I loved track. And she had been so sick for about a month. She’d tried everything.Different medications different oils..etc, and when she talked to a doctor they just said she has vertigo. Cause she’d have constant dizziness and headaches and earaches…

so she believed him. Then when we had got home from my meet.. she had to go pickup my brother.. I asked her to come because it was just around the block, but she said no, and I listened. I went upstairs into my room.

30 minutes had past, so I grabbed the home phone and started calling her. There was no answer. I callrd and called and called and called. Finally my brother called me, the first thing he said was “Lisa, moms in the hospital” (he was 16 I was 11) I was scared. Maybe it’s because I was so young. But I didn’t think that it would kill her, I only thought that she got in an accident or something happened. But I knew I had to tell my step dad. And so I did. He ran out of his bed and jumped in the car and went to pick up my brother and bring him here and then go to the hospital.

i don’t remember being home alone. I don’t remember that part at all. Some of it is very vivid. But some parts are fuzzy and I don’t really remember.

a day had gone by and it was just me and my brother at home. I was so confused. But I felt that something was wrong. So I put on all my moms clothes, including her heals. And I walked, all around the block in the rain, while my foot only fit halfway through her heals.. I was so sad but I never thought I would never see her again.

i remember sitting on the couch and my step dad telling me she had to pull through, and he knew she would. But again, I was expecting to see my mom again. So. My dad came and got me one day and took me for ice cream. I was so young now that I look back. I could see that everyone was so stressed out, but they tried to hide it from me, because I didn’t understand. Anyways.

one day my dad came and got me and my brother and we went to my grandparents house. I just remember talking everyone’s head off. And being so happy. But I looked at my dad, we were in his truck, and he was looking out the ray view mirror, and just staring at some grass while we were at a red light. I didn’t say anything though.

i never noticed that we were going to my grandparents until he made that right turn that goes to their house. Right away I felt so happy, mom was home from the hospital!!!!!!!!!, no

we walked in and everyone said “heyyy!” Things were so normal, but I didn’t care. The first thing I said was, ok so where’s mommy ?. The whole room went dead silent. My brother collapsed. And everyone came rushing over and took us into the living room..

it was still dead silent, but my grandma broke it with the words “god has a purpose and he took your mommy for a reason” I sat back and told her I hated god. Ever since then I stopped believing in a god. I believed in a universe. A god with a conscious would never take an 11 year old girls mom..

anyways. There’s so much more that goes after that but. I don’t think it’s my problem in life, I think that losing her affected me and will affect me for the rest of my life and I grew up without a lot of experiences especially because of how my dad is. But i think I have a lot worse issues, I was so young when it happened that I didn’t understand, and it’s this, sad but numb feeling. So yeah. That’s that.