Thank you for your time, really. He is now almost 10 days in with the antidepressants, we were doing better till today. I guess it is either a part of the process, or we’re not gonna be able to pull this through. Today, he wanted to break up because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally. This happened after he forgot something on the floor and I accidentally fell because of it, no big deal for me but he got upset because it was his fault. Then he relapsed as he remembered how miserable I seemed after our discussions and stuff. (I get emotional very fast and I cry a lot as well.) So it was hard to make him a bit better after he got upset, we both cried for hours and discussed, etc. He suggested breaking up because of the reason I’ve mentioned above, and for the first time, I’ve said okay. Then we didn’t of course and moved on with our lives as depressive individuals, ate dinner, and watched stuff.

I see this from two perspectives, this can be because of the ups and downs after starting to the medicine, he mentioned that this could happen for like a month. In this case, I’ll wait till I see if this happens again in the next months as well. In another perspective, this is unacceptable for me. If these ideas (break up for me cause I’m not good for you) are gonna be there next year, the year after that and so on, then this is a huge red flag for me. I am someone who always has been broken up with in the past, I kind of see myself the sole losing party of relationships. Maybe after some time, they wanted to get back but the breakups were never my idea, always the other partners’ (Although there is not much of a relationship history but-) And my childhood traumas add these up with the abandonment issues. So him asking for me to break up, saying that he’s not good for me several times is started to make me feel nauseous out of anxiety. I feel like I might fail in this relationship too and then lose hope for good. So there’s that.