@kkasxo, morning – I hope you’re doing okay?

Sammy,

Thanks for the advice earlier in the thread. My head is all over the place at the moment. What bothers me the most right now is that I feel like I have felt before, upset, anxious, worried, tummy not right etc. And I’m disappointed that after all this time and all the work I’ve done, things still haven’t changed in the way I react.

Yes I have been intimate with him but he didn’t feel distant before now. If anything I felt it brought us closer and he was very much moving into relationship territory (which I was scared about initially), but in the past week the vibe has changed. I definitely don’t think he’s a player, but I’m scared his feelings have changed.

When I was panicking, he did wake (he wasn’t really asleep) and he asked why I was scared and stuff and gave me cuddles etc, but he was also fairly confused but just tried to lull me to sleep.

In terms of being angry that I was late, I have stressed to him that I am completely open to conversations and I’m not an argumentative person, that if he ever feels that way he can always come to me and discuss it and I’ll receive it in as understanding a way as possible.

I guess it’s been trickier seeing each other now that I have moved and he has this whole thing in his head now that he doesn’t want me ending up resenting him because I feel I have to spend every weekend with him now when he knows how important friends and family are to me. He doesn’t want me to run myself ragged trying to please everyone. I explained that I WANT to spend my time with him right now (as we get to know each other) but he said he can’t help how he feels and he feels guilty and doesn’t want to be selfish and we both have to have our independent lives. I think this hit a trigger for me, because I instantly felt like ‘oh well he thinks I’m too clingy and wants to do his own thing’ (similar to my ex I guess).

We have not defined what we are. Initially he was ALL about a relationship and behaving accordingly, but I wasn’t ready as I barely knew him so I said take things slow. As I’ve gotten to know him more, I really like him and would like to be in a relationship with him, but it seems the dynamic has now changed and when I try to steer conversation or anything in that direction now, I get nowhere. I do plan to have a fun day tomorrow but I’m so wound up with anxiety right now that I feel I’ll nearly be putting on a ‘show’ to try and be the light hearted free spirited girl he first met.

That’s my difficulty I suppose, I am hard to get initially….it takes me time to warm up to people and trust. But then I do, eventually and then I’m all in. They then experience more of what I’m really like and I feel like they then go ‘oh well she’s not cool and laid back like I thought, I wanted the easy going independent girl to cave, but I don’t want this clingy over anxious person’…..and yes I’m aware of how negative that chat is towards myself, yet it’s how I feel.

In fairness, I did think I was ready for a relationship. I was quite confident going in to this when I first met him. But now that confidence is shaking and I don’t know why. I obviously don’t want to seek validation from someone else, but when I start to care about someone, the fear of losing them takes swipes at me again. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but think about this and I have tried to go about my daily business consistently saying to myself ‘it’s okay, if he’s not for you, that’s okay. You want someone who is all in. If he chooses to reject you, he’s not the one for you’. I’ve been repeating this trying to change the perspective in my mind in a effort to subsequently change my feelings and reduce the anxiety.

I was doing okay yesterday after talking to my sister about it and then when I texted him to say goodnight last night, he responded without his usual kisses at the end of the text. It’s a small thing I know, but it’s what I’ve come to expect and I know it means something is ‘off’ with him. He just replied a generic smiley face. It’s unlike him. So that set me off again last night so not a great sleep to be honest.