Tim,

I had started a reply last night to you and got caught up in the middle of it and had to abandon the post, because I wanted to give it the proper time to write the right words to you to express how sad I am to hear of Ruperts passing. I completely and utterly sympathise and empathise. Dogs and pets, but especially dogs are incredible creatures. They give you unconditional love and a bond that asks nothing of you but to be yourself and love them back. They are a constant, a familiar stable kind warm soul, always there to be an anchor in your life. It is so sad that they live such short lives and we must say goodbye, but he was a journey mate. He was with you for a reason for so many years and once his journey and service to you was done, he moved on when the time was right. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get to grieve just as you would for any other significant loss in you life, because for me, to be honest I like dogs more than I like humans most of the time. Rest well Rupert.

Sammy, I have been a ball of anxiety. Hello my life circa…. 2018……!!! Basically I know what you have all said, I know what my advice would be to a friend or one of you, should you find yourselves in the same situation and yet I can’t do it. He told me o Saturday that he has a life plan and that me moving away kind of put a major obstacle in the way. He says he likes me as much as always and that if that were the problem he would just say ‘thanks but I don’t think it’s working between us, goodbye’, but he says it’s hard because he does like me. He said he doesn’t know where his head is at, he didn’t meet me Sat to end it, but neither can he commit and he knows that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he can’t change the way he feels or the lack of answers he has right now. Basically he also said he hadn’t planned on having a big depressing upsetting convo on Sat and just wanted to hang out of do things so I said okay and we spent the day walking around, eating, he did a little shopping etc. We were holding hands and it felt nice. However I felt compelled to bring it up again when we returned to the car and he seemed to be getting anguished having such a conversation again. It was a very brick wall convo and I didn’t see the point in trying to continue it so he said he’d drop me home. When we arrived at my house I asked did he want me to call over to his place (seeing as how I established that he didn’t intend to stay in mine) but he said maybe we should leave it SAt night until things settled a bit.

He again said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me and I explained that communication is sometimes a bit scant and that things had changed and he didn’t fill me in and I was therefore confused and he asked ‘am i not allowed to change my mind….surely everyone should be allowed?” Anyway, I agreed to see him on the sunday afternoon and we said we’d cook dinner together in his place. So we met up, did some shopping for dinner supplies and he was in good form and affectionate etc and we made dinner and hung out. As we sat watching tv that evening I just couldn’t settle. I didn’t say anything but I was constantly anxious. If he was not cuddling me for maybe 5-10 mins I became worried etc. As the night went on, I just felt that 1% was not right and yes while I’m self aware and know that I can snowball, I still knew it wasnt the same as it had been previously.

He was working the next morning and I was off work, so he told me to take the spare key and lie on on bed for a while. I stayed maybe 30 mins more in bed and then let myself out and put the key back in the post box. Anyway since then I’ve remained anxious. He has been texting etc but it’s just not like before. I had become accustomed to his outward expressions of affection, flirtiness etc and now, while that hasn’t disappeared totally, it’s definitely not the same. I realise I cringed a bit at first with the outpouring of his feelings for me, but it wore on me and I eventually became quite happy to get that kind of communication. Now I miss it.

He said he’d see me this coming weekend. However this evening he has texted me to ask is it ok if he has a sleepover/drinks party (I’d imagine) with his two best buddies on Sat night. So I don’t know what that means. Again….it’s okay….I feel you all screaming at the computer!!! Haha! I don’t know, I want him and I don’t know why. As in, I know what I like about him, but this is not great behaviour from him, though not intentional. But the gap is always there that we’re not in a relationship…so does that mean I’m an option and if something better comes along, he’ll be done with me. My friend says I’m catastrophising, but here I am, nonetheless. I don’t have the strength to walk away, I’m in a strange city in a job I hate with no support network and suffer so bad with anxiety. At least in the past I had all my support network and familiar job to get me through the tough times after my ex.  The new guy is not trying to call me tonight (which he used to do) and is just sending me texts but no content as such in them, just light stuff. I don’t know how to cope with this.

Lucie,

You’re human and no matter how many times you contemplate doing something like wanting to end it all, something inside you will fight. We are survivors, our species survives. Its years of evolution. You will survive. This too shall pass. Maybe not soon but it WILL pass. keep working on it. Try any and all tips you’ve read on here and this is EXACTLY what this forum is for. It made me feel so much less alone and when i met @kkasxo I really felt like someone got exactly what I was going through.

Thank you so much for your kind words about me – I genuinely am so taken aback by you being able to make such observations in the midst of your own trauma. That’s amazing. I know what I should be doing, but I’m sure you know all too well that it’s not that easy sometimes. Our emotions, experiences, traumas, conditioning get in the way. I have to admit, one of the things that attracted me to this guy was really that he made me feel very special at the start in fairness. But I couldn’t have known it would end up like this.

Please try the meditation on your phone if you a smartphone – i find Sarah Blondin particularly comforting when I’m scared or anxious.

Please continue to post here and we will help you as much as we can. You are not alone.