Aww, @Shelbyville I was so upset for you after your last message so it is great to hear back from you.  Lucie is right, you are so special and give so much time and attention you very much deserve that.  I can’t say if you are catastrophizing because your friends may know the situation better than me. However, my point of view is based on what you have conveyed above.

I still believe until you have addressed some of the neediness and self-worth going into a new relationship is probably unwise and may even cause more damage to you. I mean another toxic cycle will reinforce MARTHA – the negative inner critic.

What worries me is although he is still there and didn’t end it, your intuitiveness and gut was right, so Tim’s POV had substance in this scenario may be the neediness and insecurities is not self-sabotage but someone making you genuinely feel that way because they are not willing to meet your needs/ the right person for you.

You had picked up that the dynamic had changed and yet you are choosing to ignore it further. It flagged up his lack of action towards a more meaningful relationship. It is strange considering how he was all about being in a serious relationship and now the opportunity has presented itself he is refusing to commit. I don’t understand why your moving cities is such a big deal how does it affect his life plans?

RIGHT NOW he is clearly saying YOU are not someone who has made him want to commit. People who initially conveyed they wanted a relationship but then refuse to commit are those who are unavailable i.e not moved on from ex or treating you as a backup plan so if the ex doesn’t return/they don’t get better you will be strung along with breadcrumbs to keep you hooked for as long as they need. Or they are not into you and just enjoy the fun, attention, an ego boost.

You are not BF&GF so effectively you are FWBs – this person is enjoying all the perks of a relationship, the warm body on his own terms, and not wanting to commit as he gets it all without the commitment. I personally do not do casual for this reason, I can not sleep with someone without them making me exclusive. Each to their own though.

You said he initially made you feel special, people who are after fun and attention are notorious for love bombing in the initial period. What worries me now is now that you have been intimate he is consistently not making you feel special. Considering how early it is I would be concerned. Someone who really thinks you are special will continue to show that in their action; make time, give you attention, do special things for you, etc.

I find it alarming that you want to discuss your feelings or voice your concerns are met by disdain and he is actually saying I can change my mind and want fun! Now is this because he was after a casual affair all along and lied to you or is it because he feels you are being needy so creating the distance? Would you say you were pushy with him or did you feel unheard? Only you can honestly judge that. Either way, all these signs are screaming you two are already somewhat incompatible.

• Your communication styles differ i.e. stonewalling
• He doesn’t have the apt/sensitivity to deal with your concerns in an understanding way – you may wish to ignore this now but your needs will seep out at some point but I think they are already
• He is not giving you time and attention that you clearly need and desire
• When you have to ask for a call – that is worrying. You shouldn’t feel you can not call someone you want a committed relationship with. I do not feel you are the kind of person who would hound someone when they are busy, you just want to feel wanted. He clearly isn’t making you feel that.

To make it balanced I feel you also may have made an ideal in your head instead of seeing him objectively for what he is. After that initial courting phase for some relationships that electric chemistry quickly fizzles out or flirting dies down that is normal. Real strong chemistry lasts for longer, and in committed relationships eventually, you will find that you both need to work to keep that fire alive. He already knows he has you and what he is showing you now is his real self. Do you like this real self or do you like the initial phase?

It can be very common to feel an attachment to someone after sex since the brain releases all these hormones. The release of these hormones after being physically intimate may cause a feeling of attachment and closeness but you need to look at what your wants and needs are, do they actually align? It doesn’t appear to me they do purely based on what you have told us so far. If you had self-worth you would walk away because you would know you deserve more then crumbs of attention. You deserve all or nothing.

Hanging out with friends and prioritising them from time to time is healthy, everyone needs an independent life but I think anyone would be super annoyed if plans were made with someone in advance, and then they were brushed off for friends. Not even an emergency, a clear choice to be with someone other than you. That is a major character flaw and super disrespectful and immature behaviour. It is not someone who is working towards a serious relationship or demonstrating any loyalty to original plans. You clearly are not a priority. If you are happy to be casual then you have to accept it. How did you respond?

“I want him and I don’t know why?” That says a lot, Shelby. You are in love with the idea of him or being in a relationship. You said you feel alone in a new city, so you must be lonely, looking to fill a void. You’d rather have anyone around instead of dealing with your feelings of loneliness and low self-worth, you are willing to overlook certain behavior too. I think you catch feelings for a certain type more because you assign or put more value on them because they are unattainable. Somehow if they choose you it validates you. I think I’m the same, someone who has shown me consistent attention I always rejected. I made the wrong choices and here I am done with the pain. I want the real thing. This means I am going to confront all my issues so when I am out there, I will have the self-worth and power to walk away when my needs are not met. I will no longer rely on anyone else to make me feel whole. I will be self-sufficient.
Read this:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us

I think it was another poster but they said sometimes we are sent lessons again and again until we learn.

You are so intelligent Shelby, do not hurt yourself again and again. This strikes me as a very selfish person, who knows you need more but is gaining something whilst not committing. I think if you plucked up the self-worth and courage to walk away I’d be wary he doesn’t draw you in with crumbs again. Never settle unless he shows intent to commit and change some of his behaviour to compromise x