@Shelbyville

I have been doing a lot of reframing. Now it’s all about looking inward. I accepted no matter how much I loved him he wasn’t for me.
He would never be able to meet my needs. I still think about him every day but my focus is now on me. I was on the brink of becoming a fully fledged alcoholic because I was focusing on how much I did for him and he didn’t return it. How him not committing meant I was unworthy. I spiralled into self pity. Since I’ve been reducing my consumption and really keeping up the runs for the first time in 6 months I have started to see that fog lift and see more clearly.  It has been a good few weeks of reflection and I’m hoping I don’t dip again.The Sammy before him was confident, wild often did a lot of heartbreaking. I often think was this relationship my karma for huŕting some good guys? I will be changing my pattern when I go back and not looking for the thrills but as Lucie described the priceless gift of time and attention. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone the way I got hurt by the ex. I’m willing to do the work and be patient.

I want to go back to old Sammy but with tweaks. Sammy.2 I know I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I lost me, not him. I gave too much to someone who wasn’t right and he took granted. I made blunders became needy and did more. I let my self esteem erode so much I didn’t ever contemplate leaving myself.

I would have carried on bending over backwards so he did me a favour. I can one day be with someome who knows how to treat a good woman. I am keen to learn and grow. I could blame him but I was tired of feeling shit and I am the one with the control to change everything for myself.

I have an alcohol buddy in place. My best friend has from the very beginning been firm but fair and I need that.

Tim and yourself have helped tremendously which is why I want to help you back too (don’t know if it is) to be honest it’s selfish too helping others is giving me a boost in good hormone and a break from my own worries.

I have never had anxiety other than what I experienced in the initial separation. That was horrific so I really sympathise with you feeling it so daily. You are so strong though to survive each day. So keep pushing through.

I remember you describing your friend as a gem. So I wondered if he made you anxious, doesn’t appear like you did find that with you when dating so that should give you hope that people can be understanding of your anxiety and meet your needs. It’s also interesting you chose not to go further. So does that give evidence to you chase people who are unattainable for validation of some sort?

I know you felt he was unreliable and flaky did your anxiety heighten then? And did he feel emotionally exhausted by you too, have you ever asked for his insight on if he felt you exhibited neediness or patterns discussed previously? I’m glad to hear he is being a good friend now. M/F friendship can be a god send for relationship advice. Is he helping?

The new guy has he made contact today? If so are you reading it as cold because you are upset? To give him the benefit of doubt, if he has had previous experience of grief and mental health issues with his brother maybe he is also scared as he feels solely responsible for your happiness. I would say if he starts to show interest you may want to discuss your anxiety it might change the outcome. Right now his behaviour is not very mature or showing his long term relationship potential in a good light.

Do you have deeper feelings for new guy then your ex? If no, why are you scared of walking away if you feel so anxious? Is this worth the mental torture? You’ve survived worse. Maybe this is a test to see if you’ll stand up for yourself for once, stand up for your needs and wants. Show you have learned from the lessons with your ex!

Why are you scared to be alone? Do you ever feel if you forced yourself to be alone, it would then leave you no choice but to become stronger and increase your self sufficiency and then you wouldn’t have so many voices. Just your own and with time you’ll find yourself and make better decisions for yourself. You wouldn’t tolerate the above type of relationship because you’d know being alone is good it can be fun. A lot of self confident women seek relationships but if they feel their needs are not met they are happy to leave being alone makes them just as happy as a good relationship does. A relationship should add not subtract. Shouldn’t we work towards that then we will always be happy with the outcome.

That’s how I’m thinking for myself nowadays. I hope you have an easier night sleep and the anxiety begins to settle. Repeat I AM AMAZING WOMAN and I CAN  KICK ASS and stand up for my needs! Be kind to yourself first Shelby. If we cant love ourselves no one else will! x