@Shelbyville
It’s all in harnessing your emotions and having more control of your mind. Not easy but I’m trying, I’m the only one with control to change the way I think. For example, before I was feeling what’s the point in living, no one will love me, so I took to the bottle to numb that pain. Now I’m thinking I’m gifted with life, it is up to me to love myself, I need to be brave and face my emotions, the fog is lifting the more I rebel against my critical negative voice, thinking more clearly and improving. Fingers crossed.

Completely understand not feeling as much which is why I asked, my relationship history is if I’m at a party my chemical reaction will always instinctively attract me to unavailable “bad boys”, the one’s who I feel an intense attraction to physically. I’ve done that too many times, all ended badly. The primal sexual attraction you sometimes feel for certain people can be misleading. Did you not feel enough sexual attraction with your friend?  It may help you piece together the way you react and break patterns that are leading to trouble and choosing people who short term are great but long term suck.

Actually, how have you stayed friends after dating? Have you seen When Harry met Sally? Be careful, men are not like women. Us women only stay friends to keep you as a fallback or because we care enough but men are always looking for the opportunity to swoop in he may really want you, either for a sexual encounter or you are his fallback too, be wary that’s why he is being a better friend now. What has he said about your new situation?

So you mentioned your gut for not pursuing your friend. What is your gut saying about the new guy? You mentioned imagined potential which is why Tim and I said earlier be wary of the initial phase where infatuation causes you to create ideals in your head and when the fireworks and chemicals settle down the real version comes to the fore. I really think there is a reason you go for people who are lukewarm towards you over people who are fully available. Look into it with your therapist.

So you said you are unsure why he has changed, It could be one of two things;

1) Game player – men and women both do this to control, manipulate, or gain power. People can lie a lot in the initial chase to get what they want especially if they are players and not being authentic. Also, it may be with the aim to get you into bed. An authentic person will pretty much remain consistent. You see this hot/cold act by him could be game playing.
2) He had a genuine interest in the courting phase based on sexual attraction but over time it has dwindled or he is now bored and just not that into you. The more he learns the less into you he is. It happens. Just not for you.

You’ve only ever had one relationship – your ex? Since then you haven’t been alone, have you? Wow! Let me know if you want to hear my expansion on that.

If you really can’t walk away even though you are smart enough to know you really do deserve someone who wants to give you attention and time. This person is controlling the pace and making it clear it is CASUAL. If you want the imagined potential, LTR you are setting yourself up for major heartbreak the longer you stay. The chances of this becoming more are slim. This person who seemingly declared LTR intentions has done a U-turn, he will keep you around for as long as he needs, giving you just enough but not all. If he really was wowed he would be moving towards spending more time, more effort, etc. So he might be bored, might be using you as a backup option, might be a selfish and weak person and scared to break up knowing you have shown intent and doesn’t want to end things, wants you to do that so he can save face and not be the bad guy. Try sending a flirty text to see if he bites if not then he really has lost all interest and is keeping you around for something else.

Or the mature thing would be to communicate and just ask directly, say look I’m looking for a long term relationship with someone, I thought we had potential, we have spent enough time in each other’s company to decide whether we should give it a real go. Where is your head at? along those lines, if he insists on keeping it casual then there’s your answer.