Thank you @Shelbyville, I needed to hear some positive boost today. I am feeling run down and haven’t been able to do my now regular runs so my routine feels amiss and obviously that throws me when I do not have a rigid structure. I think because I feel poorly I miss him today, having someone there to make me feel better or that attention. I don’t want to be with him anymore so that is something. I am proud of myself for powering through but today I just feel bleurgh all around.

I’m really glad to hear you had what sounds like a fantastic weekend. Wow, that’s a turn of events! Definitely sounds like a massive miscommunication or you have allowed your fear to skew your interpretation of your situations. He seems to be spending a lot of his prime time – weekends, with you. To be fair to him he has been upfront and stated it is currently casual and it is up to you to accept that and let go of any other expectations, relax and enjoy the ride whatever it may be and it may just blossom.

Maybe this weekend allow him to come to you, allow him to put in the leg work, and plan something. You deserve to be made to feel special especially when in the early phases of dating.

The anxiety is obviously arising because in your gut you know he is filling a need but not the right fit for you or you want to be exclusive which will give you reassurance and not having had confirmation means that when you are not in his physical company you get anxious and think of all the negative possibilities. If you had self-worth then all this would disappear you wouldn’t use people for voids and you would also not be worried about the outcome because you would know if he doesn’t accept you for who you are you deserve better.

Now your weekends are becoming more regular did you discuss where it is heading or did you not feel the need to? Can you accept being casual and him enjoying intimacy with you with the possibility it may end? Or do you feel the more intimate you are the more attached you will become? Weigh it up based on your past relationships, you will know what makes you become attached. It appears physical intimacy does so tread carefully. Because if the scenario is this person views you as Miss Right Now and is enjoying all it encompasses rather than seeing you as Mrs. Right will all this investment damage you when there may have been red flags.

All you can really do if you want to take the risk is not self-sabotage or that will just heighten everything, try and remember we all have fluctuating emotions, individual stressors, some more than others. You know how just being a woman is an emotional rollercoaster. The time of the month alone can make us crazy a week before and during! So cut him some slack when he appears “cold”, men may have their own time of their month too.  No one is going to be 100% lovey-dovey 24/7. Manage your expectations or communicate what you need if you want a serious relationship. See how he acts if his actions are showing he cares and wants to put forth the effort that is a positive baby step forward.

We can only comment based on how much information we have from your posts, so try and assess your situation objectively don’t be naive either by dismissing your own needs in hope of appeasing or convincing him to commit. It never ends well. Further down the line, it will all seep out. If you feel incompatibility deep down in having your needs met then pay attention to that. Don’t cling to anyone. Remember we are sent lessons until we learn.

I can’t imagine what it must be like having anxiety and not being able to distinguish what is your gut and what is fear/self-sabotage. I’m not surprised you are exhausted. What did your gut feel with the ex? Did it turn out right? Is your gut sound? Or do you need to learn to use a different approach a combination of gut, heart, and mind?

I do think based on what has happened compared to what you were thinking all week you may have become accustomed to allowing Martha to dictate the show post ex.

As I grow and learn I realise a lot of my anger I have directed at other men instead of the ex. I noticed a lot of questions I ask about your guy friend you dismiss, I ask because after reading your posts I realised you met in Aug last year and during the lockdown, you thought you had feelings. That says a lot about him for you to keep him around. So I want to apologise, I’m sorry for insinuating your guy friend is only friends with you because he wants to bed you. I shouldn’t slander someone’s character when I know so little and should remain fair. One thing for certain is you have consistently said he is good and described him in that light and how he supported you. If anything the situation could be entirely different in his view as you did meet him last summer whilst still in love with your ex and mentioned you were sneaky with him so given some of your behavior recently to do with self-worth and attachment you may have used him and he felt that?  So two sides to the story. So from now on, I will try to give both sides equal expression rather than assume every guy is a turd. This will be more helpful for your own character growth too.

I do feel I need the same too. If I make a mistake about the new guy please correct me or if I’m coming across as anti-men. I want to build my character in more ways than one.