Hi @Shelbyville,

It is good to hear from you. I was worried about how you coped over the weekend. How did things go with your new guy? Are things better? Are you back on medication to control your anxiety about him?

I’ve never been keen on therapy or medication because as you can see from my alcohol abuse I have an addictive nature and I want to equip myself to cope without not doing a great job am I?!

However, you could tell your anxiety was having a big impact on you and if it helps give you a reprieve it is worth it. Just sad to read you did so well for a year, what was different during that year, that you don’t feel you have now or is affecting your coping? Whilst on it figure out what you can do to feel more confident, so the medication doesn’t become a long term measure. These drugs mask the issue rather than solve it. Just like alcohol for me.

You don’t need to apologise, I’m just lost and like you when I’m low it makes me seek familiarity whether that’s in routine or from people I connect with like you and Tim, I feel like I was making good progress until I had to self isolate and now I’m in quicksand and trying to escape but it is is just pulling me under faster. I was doing so well. I don’t know what it is. It’s no longer my ex, it is bigger than that, it’s me. I feel desperately alone even though I am loved and have a good support network (after filtering out the dud friends.) It is a hollowness I can’t describe. For two days straight I cried about not being pregnant, there was no way I could have been. I think I wish I had a baby maybe someone I could love unconditionally and feel that back. I don’t know. I really don’t know. What child would want an alcoholic parent? I can’t even sort myself out and here I am thinking about babies. This discomfort, if I distract myself, I’m fine. When I sit with it it is all-consuming. What does journalling entail? What do you write? I have nothing to plan. I look at my life and it just feels like it is at a dead end. This has been exacerbated by COVID.

Thank you Shelbyville for replying when clearly you have a lot going on too.