@Shelbyville

Thanks mate, she’s just as awesome, emotionally understanding and I feel like because my attention is fully on her and not the baggage associated with ‘A’ she is even more beautiful, her qualities are just shining! We were together for just under 6 months before and oh it was unreal in terms of chemistry too all the way, I just get the feeling that fluttery phase will be even more special this time because in my heart I am working towards long term with her. She was always so fun, I felt the exact same, if not more yesterday as this time I’m not putting up any resistance to her, not letting my fear or insecurities ruin it. I find I’m enjoying the build up and I want to control my urges for her. So I’m definitely maturing but at the same time she make me feel like a schoolboy again, crushing hard!! As you can tell I’m just beyond elated.

Emotions are better expressed in my view. I avoided and tried to bury so much of it as I didn’t know how to cope once I confronted them and said them out aloud but once they are out it gives you a place to begin. To work through and put changes in place to become better.

Ahh I got the gist now, I wasn’t aware of your backstory. Just going off the posts you made since I got welcomed to the fold. Hence I thought why would she find it hard to say boyfriend. Lol.

You said you’d never have a boyfriend again! I get that feeling, after ‘A’ crushed me I really thought I was unlovable, it brought back feeling like the odd one out during my awkward teens, my self worth was shattered and I was very angry with every woman but her. It contributed to me acting the way I did and the hurt I caused ‘B’. But I hope you don’t have low self worth it’s a terrible place to be really impacts your relationship decisions.

I see what you mean by boundaries, it can be hard to loosen the shackles that come with having your family rely on you. ‘B’ is mixed race hence her old fashioned views and alongside that comes a type of caretaking role for her family as she is the eldest. However, I love the family dynamic she has, it seems so full of people to lean on and lots of fun because my families small, just my bro and parents. We both had to fend for ourselves at 16. Whereas she has had a completely different upbringing, she has so much sense of responsibility to her family as a result and I see where her selfless nature comes from. Her family don’t hold her back in anyway but she feels this strong sense of returning the sacrifice they’ve made.

I can imagine it must feel like being between a rock and a hard place when you have to choose. In our deep conversations last year she always said her family responsibilities would always be there and it would be something for me to reflect on. At the time I obviously didn’t pay too much thought, however now that I want to be with her longterm, it’s something I accept, I wouldn’t make it difficult on my end. I would respect her obligations to her family and work with her to compromise so she didn’t ever feel she has to choose, it’s part of who she is. Trying to remove that element would not work.

I know she will try to strike a balance and in some areas her family will take precedence and vice versa.

So I think try and talk it through with your family as well as your boyfriend. He needs to be on board and supportive. You don’t want to create friction in your family for a person who may not even be there for you if the shit hits the fan. So discuss it. Family will always have your back, and even though mine and B’s upbringing is poles apart, we agree on that fundamental.

Don’t take being called selfish to heart, don’t be at odds. Have a calm conversation and say I need to do this but I love you all very much. They will come around like you said it’s adjustment, no point getting wrapped up in the negative emotion it will not change it. If you need to lighten the load to make yourself stable and happy, they’ll see that change in you and want it for you too.

I’m really riding positive vibes and YOLO so be the best you can be!

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Danny.