Hi Anita,

I am not sure if I would get the vaccine. I am usually skeptical about what I put in my body. Especially now in 2020. I know the situation is demanding but I still have to consider.

I am not sure how calm my writing will sound tonight as I am in an uproar this week. I cannot pin point why such low times other than the holiday possibly. I am pretty far from myself. So I could not even say if I was sad or depressed just comes in waves of anxiety or shut down. I hate this feeling. I know it is so common in PTSD but I want nothing more than to be able to breath and feel connected.

So I have read all the past posts regarding my Aunt however I still think about engaging all the time. How alarming is that? Here is my explanations. My aunt definitely projects and she victimized in many situations and even denied smearing me. But I look at the good. The laughs. The way she stayed by my side during rough times. She is one of the few people in my life who has reciprocated. Now my immediate family not so much. I always felt comfortable sharing my feelings and processing things with her. I have not found that and I believe that is why I am so disconnected. I need to cry and vent and process the things that have happened. So much has happened since Florida and all of it is just floating around in my head. I hardly function these days. I have tried many times connecting in Churches and groups and it never works. I get it. because I am bringing my unprocessed trauma along with me. Also, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I am so alone, so isolated. How can I ground this way? Don’t we all need love and connection to survive? I have not much good coming in to combat the pain and so I am imbalanced for sure. It is scary to me. I am forgetful, I procrastinate, I am on unemployment currently because the job I have is only part time so I am still receiving assistance. I miss being financially stable. I am scared of my future. I know I can and will survive but I could surely use some help. Now yes, I understand my family did torpido my boat but am I really doing myself service not seeking help when I need it?

I am financially suffering, emotionally and even on a functioning level. I keep trying here alone in Florida. Perhaps my writing seems calmer but I am not better. I laid in bed all day today with a fear of moving. I am scared of people. I feel their energy and pain when I am working with the public.

My ptsd has been triggered by so many people since leaving my family. I have found that 90% of the people I have met are just as abusive as my family. I see it now all as fear. I think I consider talking to my aunt based on what I have found in the world. Is that terrible, that I see what is out here and I don’t think it is better? I wish I had someone to encourage me and just see me in my pain. I have dealt with way too much on my own.  The moves, the job loss, the people I have come across, the financial plunge. How can I begin to function and move forward. Even if I try not to think about it the thought of communicating with family or just my aunt is there. I do still feel like that little girl begging for love. I have tried to self love during this time but lately showering is the only self love I have for myself. Considering meds again. I have a prescription just reluctant to take them.

Sorry for the rant. I am feeling lost tonight. Not sure what tomorrow will bring.