Okay, you got me. I have indeed been minimising Anita because honestly, I am embarrassed. I don’t share these thoughts with anyone in person because I know these thoughts are useless, obsessive and I don’t like anyone I know seeing me as the girl ‘who’s still even thinking about the man who ill-treated her so much’, but I am that person. With you, I am less embarrassed because of the comfort of anonymity the platform provides and seeing so many other people having problems but still, I just don’t like seeing myself like this nagging, irritating person that needs to be repeatedly told something like a child and is asking questions that are nonsensical to say the least. So yeah, on point about that one.

I don’t want him anymore Anita. And I swear this is honest truth. He’s come back so many times now in the past one year, he’s done everything that I used to want when he initially left, but I just don’t want him anymore, because now I can see the little things that I couldn’t earlier. I can see that he ‘almost lashed out’ at me in the last call, could see that he has been calling me despite my telling him that I don’t want to talk so he is totally again negating what I want and just doing what he wants. Seeing all this, I just can’t unseen them and I Think I have made one step ahead of where I was 3 months ago when I first reached out here, I now want to let go, I have in fact let go a future with him, I don’t want it anymore not because I don’t have any feelings left but because now I can see this man cannot is not right for me. I loved a man who is not the best/good partner for me and I can’t go back to that now, knowing that.

So that part, honestly, is behind me.

But, what is still there is an interest in figuring the relation and him out. I don’t know why, like honestly I don’t know why. Maybe I want a validation that it meant something to him, that he won’t find another like me, I don’t know what, but I will admit that there is an interest in understanding the why(s) and how(s) of his thoughts and conduct towards me. It’s like I want answers to what happened in my relationship. I want to know is he a very complicated man and loved me but is really complex and can’t see beyond himself or is just a plain asshole who played with my emotions. Either ways, its over and I cannot have a happy life with him but knowing which one was it makes a difference to me, and I don’t know why, but it does, so I have questions. I did ask him in the last conversation we had and he gave me answers but they seemed to be coming from a place of him wanting me back, seemed less genuine. I just need someone to tell me what just happened in my relationship. Maybe I shouldn’t bother, I know I shouldn’t bother I don’t know. Like take my mother, after you told me stuff about my parents, I talked to my mom, I talked to dad, I told them what I felt, she told me what she felt, what he felt, they apologised for what each of them did and explained where they were coming from and understood that it affected me and it helped me close that chapter and I am able to look at my relation with them from a renewed place and I know now what actually happened between us, why my mom said what she said, why my dad didn’t stand up for me, it helped me see them as humans who made mistakes like we all do and as people who love me but had their own psychological issues that they projected onto me. It helped me close that.

With him, what I am not able to do is close it, because I don’t know what happened, so these questions rotate in my head and I want answers. Maybe as you said earlier, these questions will lead to new questions and its an unending pit but I don’t know how can I close this with a clear head until I have it sorted and then left behind. I think I just need answers to know what it was and what he indeed felt for me and why he did or is doing what he did/is doing. I think that’s that.

Now, please tell me, what do I do? Should I ask you the questions or is there some other way that’ll help me close this?

Love,

Jenny.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by jenny.