Dear anita,

thank you that you took so much time to read all my previous posts! You really care so much about people and try to help them. I would also like to do some sort of service to help people, maybe volunteer work or something. Or maybe just collect the rubbish people throw away into nature, like Hayao Miyazaki does…

You are right about nature having a positive effect on me. One day I would like to live more close to nature and I should work towards that goal. It should become a motivation for me to work harder! But even in winter, you can go out for a walk, you just need the right clothing. Sometimes I just have to push myself a little bit harder to do that, when the weather is less inviting.

About criticism: well, I think it is o.K. and important to hear criticism and I would like to know when I am on the completely wrong path. I know I am sometimes overly sensitive, but better to hear the truth than making the same mistake over and over again.

Yes, I have also thought about the positive sides of no Christmas at my parents. Sure, I will miss baking cookies with my brother, the smell of the Christmas tree, going to the forest or watching a Christmas movie together. But there are some positives: no long journey, I will not gain weight from overeating, more time for myself to think about my goals and maybe I can read a nice book. I also plan to cook something nice for myself and maybe go for a long walk at the river beach some day. Since Sunday, I am already feeling much better now and also slept better.

About progress: yes I think I have made some too! I am much more aware about what I want, who I am, feeling better about myself.I want to continue working on that!

And I would also like to have more human connections. I would like to have cooking get togethers with friends one day, or meeting people to create art. But I also have to take time for myself, find a balance. Learn that it is o.K. to say no, while sometimes making more of an effort to connect.

It is true that I miss affection very much and would like to have a healthy relationship with a person. At the same time, there are also a lot of things about relationships that worry me. So I would have to take it very slowly. Instead, everything was rushed and I also rushed myself in my attempted relationships so far. I did not take my own needs and feelings into account very much, instead I tried to fulfill the expectations of the men or doubting myself the whole time.

With K, I think that you are correct that he is not right for me. In my opinion, we simply do not match. We want different things and have different expectations. There was a lot of mistrust and misunderstandings between us and we never were able to really communicate. Not a good base for a relationship. Most important indicator was how I felt during that time, not good at all. I was getting worse. Of course, a lot comes from my own insecurities, mistrust and problems.But I think with the right person, I would have been able to deal better with those things.

From the things you listed, I wanted to say something about the casual sex. I do really not think that he was using me for sex. And I regret that I once asked him, if it is just about sex. It was an assumption on my part, stemming from my big fear of being used for sex. But also that we didn’t spend much time together made me doubt him and not understand him.

But the facts are: there was not much there to be called a relationship, no matter what the reasons are. He indeed was always busy and we did not spend much quality time together. the communication was bad. Maybe we just communicate differently. And we both were not able to resolve the problems or talk about it.

I don’t know about him, but I know that I was deeply insecure and unsure of myself. I didn’t dare to ask for something, to say what I want. I was not showing my true nature. Not because I wanted to deceive him, but because I was too insecure and with no real relationship experience. At least I have learnt some things and know myself better now.

Maybe I will add more later, I also want to respond to your first post. But now I will first cook something for myself. Thank you for your time and effort!