Dear anita,

It’s been quite some time, hope you’re all healthy. I’m finally less busy at the moment, so I want to answer your previous questions:

* Aggressive, picking up fights with your father and with you (“mother was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight… My mother also picks up fights with me”).

Yes, though she’s the victim in the marriage as far as I know.

* Talks way too much, practices no self control regarding what she is saying, and forces people to listen to her lengthy, aggressive talks (“My mother also picks up fights with me by saying whatever is on her mind… My mother expects us to listen to her lengthy stories, when we don’t, she often lashes out and threats”).

Yes.

* Harasses people in effort to force them to talk (“when my mother picked up a fight, she was like ‘what now? What have I done now?’… pushes me to talk rather than being silent… my mother was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight”).

Yes, but I wouldn’t use the word “harass”, however, I’ve noticed that I did that with my brother as a way to communicate now while he’s the silent one.

These behaviors by your mother traumatized you as a child and teenager. You made a very strong decision long ago, early in your life, to not be like her, to be the opposite of her (“my principle of waiting for the other to respond before going further, when there’s no cue (or ‘green light’) for me to go on, even if there’s   more I’d like to share, I can only keep silence… I’ve been avoiding being intrude… hardly asking questions, even those like ‘how’s your family?’. I believe if he wants to share, he’d do it voluntarily.. how do I know if others want to hear from me, instead of risking, I choose to stay silent”).

Probably yes, but I’m mot sure what’s the opposite of her.

What happened with this man, is that you asserted yourself with him, telling him that you are not interested in an on and off contact, but in a regular, continuous, dependable contact. It was a fair assertion, one that was very difficult for you to make because it felt .. a bit like being your mother, speaking up for yourself instead of being silent.

I don’t know if by making my point equates being like my mother, but I do expect a consistent connection.

When he reacted by telling you that you are not healthy (you boldfaced this word in your sentence yesterday: “He also said that it’s not healthy if I expect him to talk everyday and reply immediately, (which I didnt)”, it troubled you a lot because what you heard him say in your mind, is that you are like your mother, wanting too much contact, being unhealthy. And that’s the last thing you want to hear. Your decision long ago was to be the opposite of her, not to be like her!

I never related his response to how I see my mother, I only view that as his judgement on my idea.