Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve only joined the forum recently and was catching up with the very interesting conversation on this thread. From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?

It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.

I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.

You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!

As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.

Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?

It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.

You decided that you liked your father’s style better, that it’s more mature, while your mother’s is immature and childish. In reality, neither is better or worse, both are unbalanced. Neither attacking and blaming the other, nor escaping confrontation will actually solve the problem. Expressing ourselves and asserting our needs, while at the same time respecting the other and taking into account their needs as well, would be the middle way.

Anyway, enough for now, I’ve written a lot. Hope this was helpful in some way and that with time, you resolve your conflicts.