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Dear TeaK,
Thanks for joining, I’ll clarify further below.
From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?
Yes, you’re right, just the contacts are gone once again, and I’ve decided to not respond anymore if he returns, although I know that I shouldn’t think much about it, I still do.
It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.
I checked it before and found that I might have an anxious attachment style or so, haha. I did open up to a degree long time ago, but it’s not appreciated, so to protect myself from being hurt again, I’ve chosen to share far less now.
I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.
The problem for me his returning pattern/behaviours, to me, it’s like he leaves me behind and have fun then when there’s no one around him, he remembers me. Lately I thought again that without constant contacts, he’s no one or simply a stranger. Also, if he wasn’t putting so much effort in the beginning to contact frequently, I wouldn’t have observed the difference/change and assumed that he’s got other targets. And it’s greedy for me when he has someone else but keeps me there, but of course, I never said it because I don’t want to judge him like what he’s done to me.
You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!
Yes, I don’t want to force an answer, and I don’t want to be seen as “oh, I’m so interested in you”.
As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.
Yes, my pride is still the first thing for me, actually, I recalled the other day that I once told him something like “I care too much about my pride, so even if I want something, I wouldn’t say it”.
Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?
I think I might be self-centered in my childhood, and now I still am somewhat so, just when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.
It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.
Yes, she disliked our silence during a fight/argument.