Dear anita,

thank you for your long reply.

You are right, that a lot of the shameful and self-hating feelings come from my childhood. My parent’s behaviour did have a negative impact on me. I wish that they would have sat down with me to explain my mistakes, instead of making me feel inadequate. I wish that they would have told me quietly what about my behaviour was wrong, but that they still had shown me that I am a worthy person. I am afraid that they were not capable of doing this, they had their own problems.

My parents however are not bad people. A lot of the quotes were from 2018 / 2019 when my therapy had just started. A lot of the old wounds were opened and I remember feeling agitated towards them. Some of the words I wrote back then seem harsh to me today. Now I can have more compassion for them. Our relationship has improved since my childhood. They no longer are that mean and critical towards me and have more patience for me now. We don’t have that close relationship like other families, but I kind of like my parents.

My father can be difficult. But he is a good person, who is living with a harsh inner critic like me. I know that his words have impacted me and hurt me deeply. I realize that. I wish that we could have had a different relationship, but he was not capable of that. When he said to me “you are a disgusting person who hates herself”, I believe he was talking to himself. I know how he must feel and he has nobody to talk to about this.

I feel sorry for him because he is very lonely. We almost never talk about personal things. Often we talk about politics (of which I have no clue), sometimes he talks and talks about a technical subject I do not understand. Then I sometimes lose patience with him and my mind begins to wander… It must be difficult for him too. I don’t think he can behave differently. I think he tried his best in life. His sermons are trying to give people hope. He has this strange sense of humour that nobody understands, but it makes him likeable. He tries to do a good job. He supports his family in the best way he knows. I like that he stands up for his beliefs.

No longer do I want to see the world in a black and white way. My parents had this very black and white way of thinking, and I do not want to continue with it. I would like to become a person who accepts people as they are. This is the person I want to become and I am not there yet.

Of course, if people overstep your boundaries, you have to stop them. You have to tell them that what they are doing is not o.K. and distance yourself or even cut contact if they don’t change. That’s how I would like to operate in the future.

When it comes to my inner critic, you are right that it can become insane. I want to self-reflect, without beating myself up. So I want to acknowledge the truth that I have made a lot of mistakes, but it does still not mean that I am a bad person. I know I had good intentions! I know I tried. But I was also deeply insecure, yet I just wanted to find somebody to love and be loved.

My worry to hurt my ex was indeed insane and blown out of proportion. I drove myself crazy with this worry (and probably stressed him too 🙁 ). I could not make it right! The things that I told myself that I am toxic and such were not helpful at all. The worst is that I mistrust myself so much that I even suggest to myself I had bad intentions when there were none. Then I also did not trust him and made assumptions about him. I was looking for the guilty one, but in reality, we just did not match, we did not understand each other and the circumstances were difficult.

I agree wholeheartedly with point Nr. 3: I need to expel this old unforgiving inner critic: I have to forgive myself for making mistakes. It is normal to make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. Also, bad behavior is not the same as a bad person. There is a difference and I need to stop seeing things so black and white! I have to cut myself some slack: I am only human.

About the craftsman: I was not worried that I would hurt him, or that he would hurt me. I just felt embarrassed about the cookbook, about the recipe? I was wondering why do I feel embarrassed over a cookbook?? What is there to be embarrassed about? Why did I have to hide the cookbook?? There was nothing bad or weird about it. It was a cookbook. I would like to be a person who does not feel ashamed of who she is. I would like to be just me, unapologetically me. Even if others find the things I like odd, don’t like me, or judge me. And I think if I will be more confident in myself, there will be more people that will accept me. But first I have to accept myself.

Hopefully, I have addressed everything from your input. I think I will read again later when I feel more concentrated.