@Dannydan and @Sammy1

 

Sorry for the silence. I reread your responses several times and several times I didn’t find anything to say. Everything is true, you are all right.

And then – as usual with me – a confluence of events happened. First, a married friend of mine ran an errand for me and left a bouquet of flowers. Just because. Very sweet.

Second, a disabled man, old enough to be my father, from an opendoor class that I attend, expressly offered me his assistance twice. He didn’t insist when I said that first, I’d like to figure things out on my own, but it was very sweet, too. Not creepy at all like with some other men before, just very sweet. And I remember how we locked our eyes for a split second. Wouldn’t be surprised if he is a little bit in love with me. Poor fellow! And poor me, old soul! I am afraid I really have to wait 20+ years before I find some old gentleman who will really “see” me…

Third, the day before yesterday was my Christian friend’s birthday. He is out of town at the moment, and I felt really well emailing him some local news.

And fourth, the day before yesterday, a strange mood came upon me. That the world is your oyster. And all of a sudden I decided to text B. I thought that nothing prevented me from visiting the place where he had studied on my trip in the autumn, if it came to be, even if we had talked before that.

So I sent a casual text saying that I’d like to meet him in person.

As usual, his reply came in quick enough and as usual, was confusing. “Of course. I love in Z.” Typical because he rushed and hadn’t read it before hitting send. Confusing because he meant to say ‘live.’ But why did he put ‘love’? I even tested the prompts – would if offer ‘live’ or ‘love’ first? Or did ‘love’ came up for him because he had been using it often? True, he usually says “I’d love to” rather than “I’d like to.” Or was it because he had used it in “I love you’s”?

Anyway.

I responded with when and where I’d like to meet.

And as before, after his first response, nothing came in all evening. Nor did he reply during the night. So I texted again in the morning.

To my surprise, he did reply.

And we even met.

And he chose not to wear a mask (we met in a park). But he wore sunglasses and the sun was shining at a 90-degree angle, so I don’t know if he had ever blushed during our conversation.

In short, I really wish we, women, were deaf and blind. Deaf so that we wouldn’t be able to hear the sweet nothings that men utter. And blind so we wouldn’t be able to read all the nonsense they write to us.

So that we can judge the men solely by their actions.

And if you have doubts, then it is the proverbial “He is just not that into you.” If a man wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to achieve it. It is another story for how long you’ll be together. And there are all sorts of stories about married men divorcing for somebody else, marrying the new love at once or not at all at once and similarly all sorts of outcomes, from a life together till the very end to a divorce in one year’s time. So who knows what would have happened had he divorced then, right when in one chat he said that we wouldn’t drag anything out back in 2015?

I never told you the reason for his divorce. In 2010, he fell in love with somebody else. I don’t know who it was, how far they went, how long it lasted, why they split. His wife tried to repair the damage more or less single-handedly for ten years. Never worked out. I have no idea why he didn’t divorce his wife of 20 years for that girl because in 2015 he mentioned in passing that he was still thinking about her.

@Sammy1, @Dannydan, I know, I know – one more reason not to regret that we are not together.

But back to our conversation.

He did glance me up and down. I think he liked the way I looked, but of course, I wouldn’t know. Because of that sun and those glasses.

Recognised my car, noticed a not-so-fresh dent in it, which wasn’t there five years ago.

Had texted me a map of how to get to the park after I had texted that I was not sure I’d find the right entrance.

He put on weight. Not enough to put me off (I have liked all sorts of men in my life), but more on my feelings below.

I didn’t prepare a speech. I just wanted to make three points:

• Thanks for coming.

 

As I described our texting mode after him pulling away, I was ready for anything.

 

• What was it that made you communicate with me so intensely and then pull away? Was I right thinking that there was some deep connection?

To a degree. He liked me, he still does. But at some point (oh men – and here again I call on @Dannydan with his male mind), he decided we were not a good match. That is when he pulled away.

(Interesting that at some point (before) he had mentioned that he was one of those men who don’t experience the extremes feeling-wise. He neither experiences acute joy or deep sorrow. I am not sure how this correlates with his apparent rashness in some things. But it turned out he was right in 2015 – that he would divorce his wife. It did take them some more time and at least one more reunion (when I think he pulled away from me), but he did divorce her. I also have reason to suspect that he can be very passive aggressive and that is how he behaved towards her.)

He also said that 2016 was the year when he got divorced. I am not sure I believe him there. Or maybe he didn’t word his thoughts carefully. I know that two months after he stopped writing to me, he put his wedding ring back on and wore it for three or four months. He went on a holiday alone that year right before retiring. And his wife removed their picture together from FB only in the middle of 2017. And he moved out only in the beginning of 2019 – when his daughter had turned 18. And sometime in 2020, his wife put “single” as her status. So I am not at all sure about “divorce in 2016.” Furthermore, when he texted me in late 2016 and then replied to my confession in June 2017, he mentioned both times that it was still a mess with his wife.

But I don’t doubt his words that that was his most difficult year. I also wonder if he somehow associates me with that challenging period in his life and so buried it in his memory and was over and done with it?

I can’t really blame him for not really remembering the events of 2015-2016. I for one tend to forget painful details, remembering only the lesson, i. e. don’t approach XYZ and that’s it.

When I said that I had felt him avoiding me, blushing and cutting my attempts to communicate short later on, he didn’t deny. So I was right there.

He said sorry. He also said that he was a terrible communicator.  And that I had always been very vocal about my intentions and likes.

I am wondering though if his analytical male mind told him I am not a good match because he could tell I was falling for him and he was still married? A case of male chauvinism? He was married himself, still living with his wife, albeit saying that he was “separated.” Even as we communicated, he moved in and out of their family house to a hotel at least two times… Went on a retreat as a “last-ditch attempt” (his words)? And then half a year later, put his ring back on again. Isn’t he to blame as much as myself for looking for a distraction, an escape during hard times?

He also mentioned – yes, @Dannydan, men are not stupid – that he had a girlfriend now. Just in case I was going to confess my love for him, I think. Which I wasn’t. I think he also thought I was going to confess at the beginning when I said I didn’t know where to start and had a hard time getting control of my voice for a second.

I am not sure whether he still thinks now that the meeting is over that I was still under his spell. I said that I was doing the “cleanup,” soul-searching, and everyone to whom I related the story (with no names, of course), told me to make use of the opportunity and talk to him in person, since he was still in the area.

I do wonder though whether it is that girl that he had fallen in love with 10 years ago? Just curious, but won’t lose my sleep over that.

So to summarise, again, I was right that he was a mess at the point. And I was right proceeding very cautiously. Only it lasted long enough for me to get attached. And I wanted to get attached. The wound from A’s betrayal was very raw. However, didn’t I try to go slowly? And aren’t there successful stories immediately following breakups?… The story with B did get more blunt as time went on, after he pulled away. I don’t think I’ll be far from the truth if I said that yes, his Twitter became just a habit, but I was getting tired of it and it was not difficult to quit at all, eventually. Tbh, at some point at the end of 2020, I also became afraid of learning that he was in relationship. All the more reason to quit.

• My third point was that if it had been a play, not to do it.

 

It wasn’t a play, he was messed up, but he did end up hurting me. Not HURTING, but hurting. That’s what I said. I implored him to be more open, with his girlfriend and others, if applicable.

 

 

Funny that he remembered a lot of things despite him being a mess at the time. He reiterated that he hadn’t pulled away because of having been bored with my confessions/revelations. He remembered the book I had given him for his birthday. He remembered some things that I had wanted to do. Hey, he even remembered the news I had told him in our little chit-chat from last year when he forwarded me the job offer!

 

If you ask me what I was feeling for him at the moment and what I am feeling as I type, I don’t really know what to say. I feel like in a fog and a huge void. I think the void was there before because of his communication here and there, his rashness, him being wishy-washy. Because of these features, which I didn’t ignore, my intelligent mind thought it was unlikely that he would be thinking about me and refraining from communication for that long, especially now that he was officially divorced.

But yes, as I wrote to @Sammy1, the line is drawn under my disillusionment. My deep-seated hope was that he was physically attracted to me and felt that intellectual and emotional connection. He was, sort of, but not to a degree that would make him want to have me in his life.

Quite painful to see one “maybe”, tucked away deep inside, go away.

 

And yes, at the same time, also rationally, I can say that it is not a given that his relationship with the girlfriend will last.

@Dannydan was right supposing that ‘B’ hadn’t done any homework. I am not sure about him ‘jumping’ into a new relationship – as said, I don’t even know who the girl is or how long they have been together, only that she is coming to stay in two weeks. Which is why I thought of the one he had met on a business trip in 2010, but I can only guess.

You know, as we talked, in the back of my mind, I tried to decide two things: Is he still the same? And am I still attracted to him?

He hasn’t probably changed.

Am I attracted to him? Don’t know. Too much time has passed. As said, he put on weight. We had a really good talk, only he couldn’t say much except that at some point he decided there was no future for us. (I can’t remember the exact phrase he used – not “no future,” not “not a match,” not “not going anywhere,” but something like this.) He couldn’t explain why. And I didn’t push for it – after all, I wanted to know if he had felt something on par with me or not. Looks like I was wrong, it was not that meaningful for him. He is just not that into you – golden words (he didn’t say that).

I am not sure whether I am still attracted to him. Too much time has passed. If he wanted me, if he wooed me, I probably could start having him on my mind as I used to.

But now I am too tired. Exhausted even. I don’t care.

I wonder if I have changed?

I am definitely much more mature now.

I wonder what he felt about me after the meeting? Did he feel attracted to the new me? Could his old self be attracted to a new me? If he had changed (nay, I don’t think that), could he be attracted to me now? Would I want somebody like him to be attracted by me? Like really attracted to call me his girlfriend like he called that girl? I don’t know.

I will probably never know what he thought or felt. In fact, I don’t think he will be analysing this meeting as seriously as I am doing, with your help, @Dannydan and @Sammy1. If he suddenly decides he wants me, at any point in time, parts with his girlfriend, we’ll have to start from scratch. I guess like Danny and ‘B’.

But as before, as before this meeting (before I posted here on Tiny Buddha), I am not reaching out to him again.

I know that he hasn’t forgotten me. He just wasn’t that much into me when the time came. Again, don’t know if he felt different now. We said bye and parted our ways.

I don’t know if it was a good thing that we talked. It probably was. Thank you, @Sammy1 and @Dannydan for pushing me to do it.

I am back to thinking again that I am such an old soul, so different from everybody that I’ll never find a matching partner. Especially given how few men I meet for whom I feel that sexual desire and who I know are good for me, who are attracted to me, who are not in a relationship and with whom there is future. For now, I have been filtering out about 95% of ‘bad guys,’ but the 5% still got in. (And of course, ‘good girls’ are seldom attracted to ‘good boys’.) I let go of my fears, dive straight in – and hit a cement floor.

@Dannydan, looking forward to your comments, if any, so that I can wish you all the best! Please don’t leave me here now that I am turning this ‘B’ leaf over!!! (Or am I?)

Thank you all!!!