Dear Peace,

after I’ve read your “Guilty or not?” thread, I agree with Anita that your relationship with men has probably to do with your childhood wound.

There’s been a pattern in your relationships where you feel guilty about leaving: it happened with your first, long-term boyfriend, whom you started dating at the age of 15. You said he never showed you much love, but when you wanted to leave him, he threatened to kill himself. He also was saying he’d burn the first letter of your name on his body, or cut his hand nerves as a “proof” of his love for you. That emotional  blackmail made you feel even more guilty for leaving. Your toxic boyfriend also blamed you (and harassed you and made you financially broke) when you wanted to break up with him. This boyfriend might not be blaming you (or not yet) but you’re blaming yourself.

You said:

“yesterday in the video call conversation he asked me whats wrong and i couldnt reply .he was hurting i was hurting too..than he asked ,if i m not having feelings for him i said yes … he started crying i was saying :i m really sorry ,i m trying ,i dont know what to do i was saying again n again..i have been trying i started to cry and i couldnt stop in that video call”

When he asked you what’s wrong, you couldn’t tell him the truth that his irresponsible behavior and empty promises turn you off. You couldn’t verbalize that you’re disappointed in him or have issues with his behavior. Instead, you started blaming yourself, like it were your fault that you simply just “turned off” and lost love for him, as if it didn’t have anything to do with his bad behavior.

A pattern I see here is that you get involved with a man, after a while you realize he doesn’t make you happy, you want to break up, but then you blame yourself for wanting to leave. And they blame you too. You start believing the problem is in you, not in them.

The reason for that is most likely in your childhood, because when the child doesn’t receive the love they crave, they blame themselves, not the adult. The child starts believing they are unlovable, and that something’s wrong with them. The same as you’re now believing about yourself…

In your description of your childhood, I noticed you didn’t mention your father, only the male cousins who harassed you. Your issues with men might be related to the absence of a father figure. If you’re comfortable with sharing a bit more about your childhood, I think it would explain a lot of what you’re experiencing in your relationships with men.