Dear Peace,

Anita might be unto something when she says your mother might have not protected you enough. How did she react when your siblings were teasing you, or when your cousins insulted you? For example, you said one of your cousins told you to stay at home when you were 11 years old. You father had already started showing symptoms of dementia at that time, so I assume he didn’t intervene much? What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?

Another problem I see is that until you were 9-10 years old, you father was working all day long and didn’t participate in your upbringing too much. Later, as you entered puberty, he started getting more and more ill and incapacitated to be there for you. Instead, there were numerous male cousins who sort of started taking the role of your father in “guiding” you, but actually they insulted you, humiliated you, tried to control you, and showed zero appreciation for you. Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?

I imagine this is what led you to miss the presence of a healthy, supportive father figure. And if your mother wasn’t strong enough, or it wasn’t culturally appropriate that she protect you from your male cousins, then of course, you would suffer a lot and long for a man who would love you and protect you. That could be why you got involved with a man much older than you when you were only 15 years old. But he wasn’t too interested in you either, he wouldn’t even touch your hand when you tried to touch his.

Later, in Germany, you felt freer and started exploring relationships with men, but they all ended badly. You rushed from one relationship into another, and the reason is probably that you craved man’s love and presence so much, that you felt you couldn’t do without it. Also note that you were attracted to men older than you (all except your current boyfriend). So you crave the love of a mature man. Two of your ex boyfriends actually have children of their own.

This all tells me that the pain and the craving for love is related to a missing father figure. Probably your mother couldn’t fill that role, or wasn’t even supposed to, due to cultural limitations? You received a very negative message from men in your early life (your male cousins, possibly your brother too) – basically that you’re unlovable and worthless. That makes you long for a man who’d finally tell you you’re lovable and valuable to them.

How does all this sound to you?