Dear Peter,

you’re asking how we can know for sure if we’ve forgiven and let go (How do you know if you have really forgiven, let go, moved forward…?).

For that purpose, I’m including what you said about letting go:

My parents grew up in the 40’s and 50’s were it was  parents calling to do the “carrying”. I knew they would be horrified to have me “carry” them.  Letting go of that was something I could do for them. That was the realization. I might not have been able to let go for myself but I could for them. That was what they needed from me, even while they were alive, and that was how I could, would, honor them including the disappointments and hurt we gave each other.

So what changed after this letting go? Everything… nothing… The ‘mountain is back to being a mountain’. There is temptation  to go back and climb it again.. the moment of letting go can be intoxicating, and what if I forget…

Earlier I was talking about the temptation of going back, re-crossing the river, over and over again to make sure, make perfect, to recreate the ‘high’ and or peace of that moment of ‘knowing’ that is beyond knowing. 

From your words I gather that you’re asking whether you’ve truly let go of guilt that you’ve felt regarding your parents. You had an experience – perhaps a peak experience or a realization – where you felt like you’ve let go. It gave you a “high” and a sense of peace. It was intoxicating and you felt good in that moment. What has changed for you after that experience? “Everything… nothing”. My take on that is that you had a realization – an insight that changed how you look at things, and even how you feel for a brief moment, but on a longer run, your life and your emotional experience haven’t changed much. You tend to “forget” the “intoxicating moment” and are tempted to go back to cross the river again – to go back into your old patterns, your old feeling of guilt, perhaps, forgetting that you’ve already let go of it once.

This is how I am interpreting your words. Feel free to correct me if I misunderstood them.