Dear Teak,

thank you so much for reading my all those long post and trying to know my situation better.

as you asked : I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.

i dont remember going to my mom and telling her my problems ..all the bullying, or teasing from anyone ..i actually couldn’t communicate..i remember when i was very sensitive ..for example :if someone asked me about anything ,my eyes would just  fill full of tears …

Actually i feel you are right here “so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.” i feel there was a lacking in my childhood ,i dint recieve enough affection ,love ,being seen or heard in my childhood thats why i craved for these things automatically i got attracted when someone showed love ,respect toward me ..and i couldnt help myself ,without having any experience i started pleasing those people who showed me abit of love ..

i dont know how/where to find a counselor for my trauma’s  ,if i can find someone here in germany who i can afford.. but i want to be whole  .and thats why i m just trying to love myself and push myself,motivating my self.. i think i have learnt alot from my experiences but there is more to learn …