1) you wrote that you will tell whoever approaches you about your mental state. Can you tell me about your mental state?

I was not very strong then, I easily cried at things and it is right that what I wrote about myself was more of a projection of what my mother and sister said to me than what I felt about myself. The only thing I feel is wrong with me is that I have a very strong fear of being left alone in life and when I started living on my own I realized that I am alright but loneliness haunts me on weekends especially due to rising cases in India, we work from Home.

2) What is your understanding of those two episodes you described (#1 and 2 above)? Did you see a doctor/ a psychiatrist regarding those episodes?

I just wanted to be left alone, I can’t stand loud arguments and physical fights which often happen at home since my sister indulges physically a lot- she would through things around and hit people around when angry. Also, I often find that nobody listens entirely yet are quick to form conclusions because of which they come at me if anything is wrong anywhere in the house.

3) Did you have such episodes outside your family home, with a boyfriend/ others?

I seldom get angry. I have had no other episodes with anyone else.

4) Do you still drink to access at times, sitting on top of an underground subway, drunk?

I drink yes but with friends or when I need to cry and speak out since I talk out to the universe even if I have nobody around. I am not a regular drinker. It was just that few weeks or a month in Dec. 2019 . Even then I used to drink and sit alone quietly because I knew I could talk to nobody about my relationship issues or how I felt in college( alone).

5) You wrote regarding the second episode: “I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”- what did you mean by becoming worse, and by you being damned for life?

I felt that the episodes will continue and my temper will go out of bounds but it didn’t. I actually felt I was crazy then, I realized with time that I wasn’t. That time I and my sister shared a room and she often lashed out especially at nights and I felt horrible. Then one day in September he texted my sister again after 2 years, then she hit me at night when I was asleep. It was the last limit for me and I left the room at 3 am and slept in the hall(I was awake but I just sat there, I had an interview in the morning). I was adamant, no matter what I need another place to sleep and work. I cleaned a spare room on the terrace the following day and shifted there. slowly cleaned the toilet and made the room my safe space. I lived there till I moved out. I will have to go home for her wedding, it is not something I can choose not to do. It is customary in Indian Families for siblings to be present for sibling’s weddings. But I feel at ease because I know I have my room. She did want that room when it was cleaned properly but I told my parents that I want only one thing for now- my own room- do not give this away too. They realized that it was important and asked her to be content in hers. So, I am fine now. Just the fear remains as it is a long-timed, deep-rooted fear.