Dear lpkR09,

I feel so sad for him. For us. I wish he had someone to help him as well.

He started going to therapy but then stopped, right? Does he want to deal with addictions and face his problems, or he’s rejecting it? In any case, it’s not your task to heal him, he would need a professional because his problems are quite deep. You stayed for a long time trying to save him, but it didn’t work out, because we can’t heal anybody unless they choose to heal themselves first.

Right now, it’d be better to focus on yourself and your own healing. What I see happened in your relationship, is that you were trying to make him love you, and were tolerating his lack of love and lack of commitment to you, explaining it away in various ways. You craved to be loved by someone who was unable to give you love. You might have even been attracted to him because he was a little insecure, a little timid perhaps.

Your previous boyfriend wasn’t accessible either: he had a possessive, controlling mother whom he felt obliged to, and he too sabotaged your relationship, or rather he walked away. Do you see the pattern? Both of those guys were unwilling or unable to be with you, but you were longing for their  love. You persisted 3 years with your previous boyfriend, and 2.5 years with this one. Both felt like a soul mate to you, you felt a deep connection with them. And I believe it’s because the relationship with them reminded you of the relationship with your parents – craving for love of someone who is inaccessible, for whose love you have to fight, to struggle, to endure hardship. Both of those guys activated an early childhood wound in you, that’s why you were so attracted to them.

You should know, dear lpkR09, you had a very difficult childhood. I guess the first 5-6 years weren’t even the worst, but when you returned to your family. Your sister is a bully and probably she’s been bullying you ever since you came to the family. You seem to be the black sheep in the family too, because they immediately accuse you if something’s not right. Even at the adult age, you suffered your sister’s physical attacks in the middle of the night, not just her emotional abuse and scheming and plotting against you.

As you established with Anita in previous threads, your sister has a dominant role in your family, which she inherited from your domineering grandfather (the one because of whom you were sent away). She’s a horrible bully and has anger control issues, but everyone listens to her opinion. She’s treated like god.

Many things are upside down and unfair in your family. You suffered immensely at their hands. You were treated unfairly. It’s great that you don’t live with them any more, and that when your sister physically attacked you one year ago, you moved to another room and didn’t allow her to cross that boundary any more.

You’d need to protect yourself from your family and realize that they seem to be incapable of giving you love. I don’t know how you stand with your maternal grandparents (or just grandmother?), who took you in when you were born. Is she still alive? What memories do you have of her?

What I want to say is that you’ve suffered severe abuse, both emotional and physical. You’ve been through a trauma. And you’ve done great, considering how much you’ve suffered. You’re a survivor, lpkR09! I admire you for your strength and resilience, your perseverance, your compassion… But there’s a part of you that’s hurting – the part that craves the love of those unable to give it. Please deal with that part, heal that childhood wound, so you can have a truly fulfilling life, which you completely deserve.