I am for now only focusing on me, It hurts every second though. Although both he and my ex feel like similar men and perhaps they were…in terms of commitment issues or more, how I behaved towards both was different.

With my ex, I used to be like a helpless weak person because he was so dominating till one day he left and I realized how weak I was.  When I had met him, it was a conscious decision to meet and date. Although it was a chance meeting as well, I had taken a decision to date.

When I met my current ex, oh it hurts writing that but when I met him, I was already on a mend myself mission- I was content being on my own and was happy enjoying things I like. He was my sister’s friend so she had forced me to go meet her friends, I had honestly just gone out for the food. And we met and I denied that I can’t like him, I can’t like anybody, especially not my sister’s friend. But it was as if I could not think anymore, coincidences were extreme. We met unexpectedly at places and suddenly my sister decided that all of us should go on a vacation. We talked on the trip, at length and suddenly we both realized that we have too much in common in terms of interests but we handled things differently. It just so happened. It was not planned, not even like let’s date and see… to this day I feel he is my kryptonite but he did make me feel like a superwoman. He made mistakes in our personal life but he always uplifted me and advised me with my career and studies. I have grown better because of him, I have become stronger.

My sister was always unfair to me but instead of facing her, my approach was to ignore and move away. It kept hurting me but i took no actions. With him, I faced all that.

But towards the end, things grew painful. Earlier he never ignored me, no matter what but he did. He used to say that in his mind he always told himself why did he associate himself with someone connected to my sister. He said he wanted no relations to her whatsoever so it kept hurting him that why he kept coming back to me when I am related to her. It used to mentally bother him that he kept a connection to his bully when he wanted to snap it off…especially after the September issue when he texted her after 2 years expecting she would have cooled down about all this and would perhaps understand his feelings for me if he made her understand. You obviously know what happened, it backfired. She abused not only him but his family and his parents. He was hurt and he had cut off all mental connections to me which I didn’t know because he had stopped talking saying that let’s give time to things. And he was getting better not thinking of all this but I got in touch again because I didn’t know he was doing good, I just texted to know how he was and he texted back. He seemed distant at first but after few days, he texted himself. We again remained in touch but just as good friends….on and off……till in January, he told me his parents forced him to meet a girl for arranged marriage thing and although he said he didn’t like the girl because they didn’t talk much but who knows if they did talk, they would have liked each other. Anyways, when he told me that on text… I told him All the best for his new life and blocked him everywhere except on-call- I didn’t think he would ever call….but he did….some 10 days later… very drunk and totally out of his senses…I told him I don’t want to talk on call and definitely not talk when he wasn’t sober, if he has anything to say to me he has to come to meet me and within a week he came to meet me. I felt maybe he is putting in an effort. Then I got to know his family wanted him to come to see me so that he can finally make a decision. Maybe I wasn’t all that great as he thought in his mind.

Anyways, things are today as they are.

I will try resolving my inner issues… one by one. The current wound first and then the childhood wound.