I just teared up reading the last few lines, Anita… “Choose a man with whom togetherness is a good thing, quiet, peaceful, safe.”

Yeah, I don’t miss those moments at all, I miss my brother…my parents sometimes, even my sister because we all have spent a long time together. Obviously, there were some good times too with my sister, those are very less but there are. So I wish her well but I wish that we meet less, especially since she is how she is.

And being alone is good, I like the peace…having quiet teas, watching the sunset from my balcony after a busy day but I wish often if I had someone who would wrap me in their arms and talk about our day together. Maybe it got stronger when he came to stay for a week, I saw what a happy relation could be like and maybe this is why I started expecting again. I had stopped it all, I had become complacent with my own self. But I had Fun around him, we laughed so much. Each time I would wake up at night, he would hug me tighter and I felt so calm. I always felt like he was home. Suddenly, there is no home. I have to make myself home now. So that it is alright being on my own once again. I keep indulging myself with things, with food, and with music but I need that open space again. The Covid-19 cases are again on the rise in my country and I am left confined in my flat. Not that I have many friends, I hesitate to tell even my closest friends what I feel. I feel like I will burden them with my emotions.

I will be careful Anita. I just hope there is a next time. I am so afraid that because I have tried moving on before and unknowingly I keep comparing other men to him. I am a writer, men get bored hearing my thoughts… I take some time to open up and people give up before I open up. Since we were so similar, I never had to explain to him about these things. He believed in my dreams about being a published author and often encouraged to write, even gave ideas. I know I am talking like any other heart broken person. You would say obviously everyone moves on, of course everyone finds someone new.

I see my father though, He disclosed this secret two years ago to me- he liked somone else but his father forced him into marriage with my mum who was unaware about it and loves my father with all she has but till date He hasn’t been able to let go of that attachment. My father smiles and laughs but none of the smiles reflect in his eyes. Maybe the reason he never interfered with my sister was that he has absolutely no expectations from us, any of his children. He often talks to me about these things…only me, that he only wants to fulfill his duties as a father which according to him are- Give us good education and get us married. I don’t want to be numb like him. It scares me.

Even my sister, the person she was getting married to in 2018, she still likes that guy. Even the guy she is marrying, is still into his ex who married someone else. God, what a dysfunctional society are we all living in.

Today, Arranged marriage in Indian society is only for people who are too broken to love again or who are so indecisive that they want their parents to take this major decision of their life for them so that they can blame them tomorrow if their marriage fails. If someone finds love in this process, they are lucky. If not, compromise and live is what all parents have been teaching us.