Hi @Jay2023 

So now that I have more time, I thought I’d respond properly. 

The memories! How we cling to that wistful perspective. We can be our own worst enemy. We create an idealised version of the person. In reality what we actually had was not what we imagined. It’s confronting that truth that is hard. I have one question; were you 100% real and authentic with her? 

If no, then that’s a red flag there, your emotional connection was never there. The trust and vulnerability you need for a successful relationship was lacking. 

If yes, then the hard truth is you were not accepted or else she would choose to be with you. A person who sees all of you, your flaws and still chooses you is one who is worthy of your time, attention and love. Thats what your standards should be. 

Don’t worry about filling your weekends, firstly unexpectedly things come up and sometimes learning to be okay with the silence and by yourself is just as important. It’s times like this the emotions that have been brewing inside can come to the forefront. This I know can be confronting. Who wants to face the hard truths, the critic, the sadness etc but it is an opportunity to finally pass through this wave of emotions rather than be suppressed. 

Learning to cope with your emotions is incredibly important for your long term mental health and ability to form healthy relationship connections. You mentioned to Danny you feel anxious but you’re unsure. Sometimes it’s not as obvious as we think. Like when you’re angry with someone you’ll get hot and red. But if there’s a certain inner struggle or unconscious reaction happening, you will feel anxious the only way to deal with it is to try and identify its source. 

When I used to get a negative emotional feeling, I’d sit and try to label it, where’s it coming from sometimes certain emotions manifest as a body pain or ailment. I’d write reasons for why i may be feeling it. Then I would express it sometimes that meant doing the hard thing and talking to someone. Sometimes it meant confronting the truth and the person. 

Then I learned power of exercise to expel negative energy or excess energy and meditation to calm and find inner peace. It can help with the lack of sexual stimulation too. Have you considered incorporating both in a structural routine? I know you’re not spiritual but it may help to feed the soul. 

I learned techniques to change the train of thought from negative to positive. Reframing. If you do it consistently you’ll reap the rewards. 

Danny is right, sometimes we have to be brave enough to focus our attention on other connections. Do not be afraid to reach out yourself. To be frank romantic connections aren’t the only ones that matter, you know! 

As humans we are sociable creatures we need connection. To connect with meaning, you have to practice being vulnerable and sharing your real self with those you can trust. You may already have lots of friends or acquaintances but often they never really see the deeper feelings or wounds or you. So maybe you should focus on connecting with someone who you can be 100% you with, this is hard to find i know but seeking to share a bond that goes beneath the surface can be powerful for healing and growth. Maybe that’s all you need right now. To explore who you really are, where you want to go, to talk to someone about your concerns and not feel alien, to lean on someone. If you reciprocate you can form a unique connection.

Later who knows? They often say date your best friend. As I get older I realise relationships based on a strong foundation of friendship are incredible. If your connection ends up being with a female and you develop romantic attraction then you’ve hit the jackpot. If not you’ve still won because you have a connection that most crave! 

Just to add you found the week challenging mentally. But did you reflect on the fact you have survived, you didn’t crumble. You made it through. So well done! You’re progressing without even realising. Try that exercise Danny posted. It might help clarify the memories you miss were incomplete and you can have the full picture in time after healing and growth.