Dear Ashmitha,

you’re very welcome. Regarding your parents, it appears they found an arrangement which suits them both – living apart, with weekend visits by your father. When he visits during the weekend, how’s the atmosphere? Is there still tension? Is he still drinking too much?

Regarding your boyfriend, you say:

Yes I do notice that when family is stressing me out, I feel an urge contact my partner and just talk to them.

Do you feel you can share whatever bothers you and he’d be understanding and supportive? Does he share when there are issues in his family, and he just wants to talk about it or ask for your opinion?

About your previous relationships, you said:

Even when I have known I was unhappy in a relationship and I bring that up to them, once they agree to or suggest a breakup, I feel very anxious and don’t want them to leave. Yet, I will go into it thinking I do want to leave.

How does it happen? You’re unhappy in a relationship, you bring it up with your boyfriend, and then it’s them who usually suggest a breakup and you agree, even though a part of you feels anxious about it?

You also said earlier that you leave easily, without really trying to fix the relationship:

I have always wondered why my friends have been in 4 year relationships, and despite having problems, will always want to get back together, whereas I am fine with leaving a relationship if something isn’t working.

I guess there’s a part which wants to stay – the part that wants security and fears being alone. And that’s the fragile, scared inner child, which you suppressed because you needed to be the hero for your mother. That little girl needs a protector in her life, that’s why she can’t stay alone for long. She’s also the one who feels anxious that the relationship would end.

But there’s also another part of you, who’s afraid of staying in a relationship which has problems, because you know where those problems might lead (your father threatening your mother with a knife). This part is probably afraid of the slightest problem and wants out as soon as something is off.

This seems to me like the dynamic behind your relationship behavior. In order to be able to talk about problems with your partner, you’d need to 1) stop being afraid that he’d leave you if you say something, and 2) stop believing that problems cannot be solved, and that the only solution is to leave.