Dear Ashmitha:

I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I return.

anita

Dear Ashmitha:

You shared that your parents had a bad marriage, having stayed together for the children, and that your father was an alcoholic. Because of that, you are “just scared of picking the wrong partner”, and “choosing the right partner is very important” to you. You understand that expecting a partner to be perfect is unreasonable, and as a partner, you are accepting and understanding.

You have been in a few short-term (6-8 months) relationships. In the last, you felt that you and your former partner were “best friends”, but because your morals/ values were not aligned, you broke up with him. Your current relationship is your longest. You are considering marriage with him, but you are experiencing a “lack of close friendship”, “something is missing” in regard to the relationship.

Your values in regard to culture, family, children, etc., are aligned, he has good qualities, but you have different interests. You are concerned with two things: the lack of similar interests, and the lack of friendship.

When together, you are quite content, when apart, you “question if he is the one” you should marry.

Three months ago, you shared that you’ve been seeing this man exclusively (a year and a half, currently) with a break of 7 months. You were concerned at the time about you sending him messages online and not receiving replies from him for hours, and sometimes not until the next day, even though he was active online (and texting his friends and family a lot).

You met him only once a week, but even during those meetings, he was sometimes “glued to his phone”. You felt that he was very much sexually attracted to you, and suggested that he was not attracted to your personality (“He is still very much sexually attracted to me but I care more that he is attracted to my personality and that we are close friends… Dating my best friend is important to me”, January 2021).

Later on, in your January thread, you shared that there were times when the two of you did “text for hours”, but “it does not happen very often”.

You also shared that he was working full time from home, because of the pandemic, that he is a “kind-hearted person and is trying to do the right thing”, that he is the eldest child in his family, and therefore, he has heavy family responsibilities,  that he is very close to his family, and that you “come second to his sisters and cousins”. You mentioned that his interests are sports, jokes, cultural music, and that you have girlfriends with more similar interests to yours.

My thoughts this morning: your experience as a child, witnessing the bad marriage between your parents, has been very powerful in shaping your mind, creating a fear that causes you to be alert to, and alarmed by any existing or possible problem in a relationship with a partner. You simply don’t want to have the bad marriage your parents had, and therefore, even if a partner is as good a candidate for marriage as can be, you are likely to focus on what is wrong with him and the relationship and dismiss what is right. For example, back in January, you complained that he doesn’t answer your messages for hours and longer, but later, in a following post, you shared that the two of you at times spend hours texting. I was surprised at the time because I was under the impression that it never happened.

Even though you view yourself as relaxed, accepting and understanding in the context of your relationship, and you may behave in these ways, inside of you- you are fearful, and you focus on what the man and the relationship lacks.

The loneliness you experienced as a child, I believe, fuels your perhaps unrealistic expectations of having a “best friends” relationship with a man, having an excessive need for a compatibility of interests (such as music and sports), and an excessive need for him to be attentive and available to you.

I hope to read more from you, about what your thoughts regarding what I wrote here today, and regarding the current extent of your boyfriend’s availability and caring attention to you.

anita

Dear Ashmitha:

“I know my upbringing has affected me in ways I can’t control and might not be aware of. But how do I work through this?”- a start is to become more aware of how your upbringing affected you. Here is my effort to help your awareness grow:

“I have a great relationship with my mom… My dad and I are close as well and I still love him despite what he put us through”-

– You love them both, just as you loved them when you were a child.

“I am fine with leaving a relationship if something isn’t working… Since I was a child, I’ve been very independent.. I relied on myself… I do not like asking for help from others”-

– when you were a child, you loved your parents very much, but part of you, I believe, was “fine with leaving” your parents and home, to not be there to witness their bad marriage. That part did not want to be dependent on your parents, so that you can leave and live on your own, independently.

When you were a child, you were not a passive observant of your parents’ bad marriage, you were personally involved with your mother and with your father, you interacted with them. You probably tried to help them, and their marriage, but your efforts failed.

Do you remember trying to help your mother, your father,  their marriage in any way, however child-like?

anita

Dear Ashmitha,

you’re welcome. In your family home there was a lot of distress because of your father’s alcoholism, and I believe what happened is that you felt it’s better not to upset your mother with your problems – your emotional needs – because she was going through a lot anyway, and your father was unavailable or at least unreliable. So you decided not to share your problems with your parents, and tried to manage without their emotional support (I do not like asking for help from others. I find it hard to ask for my needs to be met, like maybe I am asking for too much or I am being difficult.).

You focused on school and academics, in which I guess you were talented and successful, and you found certain fulfillment and satisfaction there. This also helped build your confidence, so you do seem confident, and also pretty “low-maintenance” and relaxed. But that’s just a defense mechanism, because you do need emotional closeness and intimacy. You’d like to be vulnerable and share your inner-most feelings with your significant other, but you’re afraid to do so, because you’re afraid you’d be seen as too demanding and possibly even abandoned (I think I also have a fear of partners leaving me, which is why I hold my feelings back.).

You’re in a relationship with someone who’s got a lot of “needy” relatives to take care of, and since he’s a people-pleaser, and probably also has a sense of responsibility towards his family, he spends most of his free time taking care of them, not you. If you meet once per week and the rest of the time you just chat, not even daily, it seems to me there isn’t too much chance for emotional intimacy and sharing. It’s good that you started demanding a certain level of attention from him, such as daily check-ins.

You’d also need to work on your willingness to share emotionally and express your needs, and on the fear of being rejected, of being “too much”. And you need to see – when you do share and open up – whether he’s capable and willing to acknowledge you and support you, or he isn’t willing to have that level of emotional intimacy with you.

Hi Ashmitha

Is it normal to feel on and off about your significant other? Yes it is

My observations have been that many couples panic when they experience these “off and on” feelings and ‘feed the wrong wolf’  even when its a part of every relationship experience. I think its related with confusing the ideals of Love and Like Is is possible to Be in Love while at the same time not always be in Like? Yes.  I would argue its actually more difficult to Like someone 24/7 then it is to Love them 24/7 .  If I love someone I must also always Like everything about them. This type of relating often comes with a relating to the idea of Unconditional Love as being Unconditional allowing  similar to  the misconception that Forgiveness means the person forgiven is off the hook and can’t be held accountable.

The experience of Love and Loving is very much connected with the experiences of accountably, responsibility, meaning, purpose, sacrifice… so much so I don’t think the experiences can be separated.  If such is the case it would be very normal and likely to feel on and off about ones significant other.  A practice of Mindfulness and discernment might be helpful in determining if boundaries have been crossed that need to be addressed.