Q1: Strangers do make fun of me sometimes. It feels like it is fairly often to me but i am perhaps more sensitive than others to even think about it. My mom used to say its because i was good looking, other people have seconded this later and guys definitely told me that. So i started to feel (because it is usually women) that they were jealous of the way i looked. But the comments of course are varied…yesterday a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying “oh! you should see the scene out here today!” i mean, i was the only person there and what am i supposed to think. Its rude and clearly meant to make me feel bad although she doesnt know i understand her language.  Sometimes my neighbours talk about me when im out on my balcony. But when i was younger and prettier i used to get a LOT of negativity from other women i didnt know. As i said, the women here are very jealous, there is a distinct difference to how im treated as a woman to for instance a man because ive observed it. This partly creates my isolation. You feel unliked and unwelcome.

Q2: I dont really know if men notice me here because no one approaches me. at my work ive worked with a few different guys and they may have found me pretty initially but after that usually there is some tension. Something about men finding you attractive brings out major sexism in the workplace. Men stare from a distance and may comment with each other and laugh but thats about it. As i said, you feel very isolated when it seems people talk about you but never say hi. I dont look like the women here, they are latin and i am more germanic looking, so i will always look like a tourist to them. The tourists of course are not here to see more people like them, the guys are interested in those other women, not me.

Q3: I think im messed up by my negative experiences that have made me insecure and worried no one can love me. If someone is attracted to my outside they don´t seem to like who i actually am. The arguments start when i won´t go out more because i am quieter and introverted. I often dread meeting the family because with two previous boyfriends they were a whole lot of work. Not with my ex. If i look for a pattern with boyfriends im not sure what it is they dont like.  Maybe i lack the mothering nature. I look at other people and see that often it is the children born within 2-3 years that are part of that bond. I realised i didnt want any and felt nothing for the idea of being a mother.. but i also had an abortion. Another taboo subject. I didnt think it would affect me but it does now. At the time i was with my ex and unemployed, i really panicked. I didnt like the physical feeling, i felt very uncomfortable and i was terrified of that loss of control, the weight of the responsibility. And then his reaction: he was elated, celebrating it but i remembered he had previously told me he left the mother of his one child because he was jealous of the attention she gave the baby

…i panicked and thought, “i dont want to be a single mother, broke and struggling” i could hardly take care of myself and knew the years ahead would be tough. The whole process was awful..long and drawn out, i suffered physically a lot. He was quiet and i think we should have talked more but life got in the way.

I think my insecurities about interactions with other people are also to blame as boyfriends cant help me or cant relate to my problems. And they turn into issues for them as well. My way of coping with problems is to retreat into myself because of this..ive always felt i had to be self reliant and i gain strength when i am alone as opposed to being surrounded by friends. I know that is not the case for others. Maybe i feel like i am fighting a war and i have to be stronger, so i am more tense…prepared for a fight all the time.