Hi Anita.

I dont dress provocatively or sloppily or anything crazy. Today i was actually wearing something similar to the woman who was reacting…leggings, a t shirt. It just happens a lot to me. There is no mistaking people´s actions and all you can do is ignore it but its hard to ignore when it happens so often. When you are alone and live alone, i think you are vunerable to this..if i was preoccupied with my partner, children etc, i wouldnt care if someone pointed and laughed at my hair, nose or whatever….but it is emphasised because when i step out the house i am always alone and humans are predators.

I know you are probably thinking, this person is suffering from schizophrenia. But i am always questioning what has happened to me, only for it to be confirmed later.

When i was out with my ex i noticed people would really stare at us. Strange women would come sidling up to him trying to get his attention…i always thought it was insane how outrageous some people were. I think i was so happy around him that they wanted some of it to rub off on them…literally. He emitted a warm friendly energy and people gravitated towards him. Ive never met someone so magnetic like that. But the downside was…there were always older women hanging around like lost schoolgirls. They would come looking for him at his work, stop him in the street…and their eyes would not leave his face as he held my hand. He would introduce me and they would coldly smile and then return to stare at him…it was insane. So i was always aware that people were after him.

For some reason today i have been struggling a lot today. I am exhausted. I feel like im on the edge of collapse, like my mind will burn out. im fighting to not obsess about all this but it wont go away. I cant focus properly on anything..i feel its defeating me. I had one moment today when my heart was beating really hard and i had to sit down and take deep breaths. I´m worse during the day, the evening i seem better, but i wake up in the morning and it starts again.

When my ex first cheated on me i  at least got something positive from the woman he was with then.. at the time i became obsessed to know what she was like, i wanted to know what he was attracted to and of course, she was living my old life. I thought perhaps she was more, better somehow..it was irrational.  I looked her up online, trying to find clues of what he liked. She did tarot readings and i started watching my sign. Now years later im hooked on it.

Now, when im fighting the negative feelings, suffering by what my mind picks up on, i watch tarot readings and usually something delivers a message that finally makes me more peaceful. This works better for me than listening to music, which i find makes me feel too much and i get depressed. I have a need to rationalize everything until its no longer there. I need to hear what people think.

Today i watched a reading (i dont pay for them, they are just what appear online) that was exactly the things i have said to you, it really was accurate. And her overall message was, “this is hurting you but he´s not thinking of you, move on”

..i felt briefly, yes, i can let go …but i know the next day i can flip back the other way strongly and be under the impression that he misses me secretly, that he will realise he got the wrong woman..that he is in denial or any other combination…its sad and stupid i know. This is why i can´t figure out how to get rid of this.

One more positive thing after listening to that reading was (although its also negative) that i was starting to feel like actually, i could feel sorry for the woman who has him now. After my early feelings of rage and anger that were frightening me, its welcome to not care so much. There is no doubt in my mind, he is flirting with other women still and maybe even sleeping with someone…he already said she was jealous, so she will have terrible fights with him and doubt herself. He will refuse things she wants to do. Maybe he will pick on some insecurity. I saw her photo and i can imagine that she may be vunerable, no matter what she projects. He has that talent. That is how it was with me and i dont believe that will change.

The tarot reader also said ” this person doesn’t pick strong women, he is looking for weakness in people to exploit”. that’s possibly true. But if you met him you would be fooled too. Im a contradiction because while i write this i know, if he said it was a terrible mistake and was convincing…i´d probably go back. Its an addictive attraction.

Ive had moments before where i just believe. This is it. This is all you are getting in life.