Hi Anita,

I think i do suffer from paranoia quite a bit. But its a lack of confidence and also living alone that can make you that way.

I think im exaggerating saying “predators” but that is how it feels lately as a result of my experiences:My ex taking advantage of my lack of knowledge, abusing me & My employer taking advantage of my lack of options, abusing me. The latest thing being this family member getting his way with the company, abusing his position to make money..its so frustrating, i dream of karma doing its thing…but i have no power down on earth, im frustrated that after all these years..im no further.

Ive learnt to be careful what i say to friends but sometimes i find it hard to hold back. I share too much and felt betrayed by one person at work. but i understand also that it comes down to money, to survival. This stupid power play.

Sometimes women are crueler to each other to get things they want. This woman coming after my boyfriend for instance when she knew he was attached. He is more to blame i know but i know for sure, she didnt mind. In this culture or perhaps even in this age…people want what they want and dont think about consequences as much as i do. A former colleague of mine shared that a friend of hers was having an affair with a married man, i felt disgusted, she said something along the lines of “why not? life is short”. Are we to think of ourselves as winners and losers? I can´t bring myself to do that…in my mind would be the suffering of their hidden partner.

To say i feel im the centre of attention, yes maybe but in a negative way like you said. I dont always feel that way. But i dont know how to ignore these experiences…they are just there.

I think sometimes, there is no mystery..im just lonely, bored and i think of my ex because my life is empty. If i had to only believe that i would not want to go on.

Other times i feel there is some spark there, we connected. We were on a wavelength that meant i could think of him and the phone would ring. But now he is out of my life. Its gone. And since then, the people i have met, havent made me feel the same way. Its a simple and as sad as that.

I used to be a journalist for a brief time, it paid awful so in the end i had to find a salary job that i am doing now. It was exciting because it was demanding but it burned my out a lot…i wonder if i am addicted to the excitement. Now, i notice my brain just won´t quite light up…im not inspired by life much and  am too tired to do more. My ex used to inspire me and make me want to be more creative.

As i said, yesterday i went through some emotions..my free time is taken up with this baggage. I think today ive been exhausted because of that. I dont want to live like this anymore. Who wants to be struggling to let emotions out and then fighting to keep them in? Is it his fault or did i somehow do it to myself?

Ultimately..i want to find someone new attractive, i want to be confident enough for someone to like me for myself. But i dont think i believe it. I went through a phase once some years ago thinking that all my boyfriends left me for a blonde. And its true! And then, the other day my mom came out and said ” your ex always said he wanted to be with a blonde” and i thought, why is she telling me that…isnt that hurtful? I didnt bring the subject up, she came out with it and i wondered why. I assumed that my parents had seen him lately..and it could have been my dad´s encounter that i talked about. I feel they know about him since me but its a smallish place so they are likely to see people from time to time.

His girlfriend is blonde but it is dyed blonde. Another former ex who i loved very much, married a blonde women the moment he was free after our relationship ended…another guy i had a crush on married a blonde. something about that haircolour makes men want to marry them!