Hi Anita,

Some interesting things happened with this April supermoon. guess what? Karma DID pay a visit to the manipulative colleague and his big prize deal that had gazumped a good client of mine came falling down around him. On the one hand, I asked for it and it happened, On the other hand, I was still angry because once again, we would have to explain another turn of events to my client and I worried about losing their trust. This is the hard-nosed business that perhaps I knew would fall apart. The greed of my boss to have a bigger result has ended in humble pie for them both. Do I think they will apologise for almost destroying my relationship with a client? that I had to salvage to get a sale for their pockets? of course not, they will brush it under the carpet.

That made me think also about another situation, as since I found out about my ex´s true situation…that made me so upset and angry, the area in which he lives has gone back into a strict lockdown…not where i live… just his town. Another karmic event. perhaps not quite as aggressive as i had wished in my head but certainly a huge inconvenience for him and probably her as they likely can´t see each other for a while. I didnt have to lift a finger, no drama and no revenge, karma did it for me.

I hate to say it but these kind of things have happened to me before, when people have REALLY made me angry, something always happens around them and i don´t have to do anything. It makes me feel better of course like there is some justice in the world.

I think i said before that since it finished with my ex my life became very plain and boring. I work and work and there is no real other life. I never went out for dinner again, never went to parties, never travelled anywhere..i dont have money for these things. I dont want to blame myself for this and i dont feel sorry for myself. I just think ive had a very hard time, ive had to swallow my pride and ive had to be very humble, i accepted this is a kind of fate…if a guy was meant to come along and sweep me off my feet he would, it hasnt happened. I just get on with things, i dont try and trip anyone up, be rude and demeaning or steal from others…I just try to find moments every day. But life is not like it used to be when i had big plans, big dreams and a big future.

So if my mind struggles with this i forgive myself. If people laugh at me on the street because i look different, its on them. If my colleagues want to know what i am up to  and are being nosy, maybe they should be kinder. If my ex wanted friendship he would have given it by now. I understand all of this. In my head maybe i dream up other things because the plain truth isn´t so pretty.

Ive always had a good imagination and have managed to entertain myself through worse times than this pandemic. I always think of myself as strong, stronger than some people around me who have never had to struggle with anything language, culture and people who would rather not deal with you. But perhaps now back to work….i have felt very much like the family member at work is trying to make me leave by making everything difficult for me (which is a high probability not delusion) and by undermining me and not sharing information or asking my opinion. Lets face it, most people would find this awful.

Not to mention the news i had from my ex.

So lately, i felt a sense of panic, today i was trying to stay calm before going to work and my heart was hammering, because im scared of not having enough money, worry…which is my default setting and depression because of my lack of love in my life and lack of knowing what this is all going towards. Yes, maybe im addicted to the excitement of something, anything happening that can take that heavy burden off my shoulders.

I know its a lot of introspection for most people to deal with. Im very dark and intense to deal with. I reckon most people have a dip in their mood, then just look for positives to come out of the hole, but im the kind of person who really wants to look around before i come out to understand it. Its always been this way for me.

I always thought it was better i was going through the waves of the emotions and exploring the dark corners before emerging stronger and calmer again..this could take a day or two…but these latest developments really have pushed my stability.

I fear stepping out of my job into the unknown (self employment or something else), i fear letting go of my ex and what i knew towards someone new (taking a leap of faith AGAIN). Its kind of what someone said to me fairly recently, he felt i was so afraid of everything. But saying that doesn’t heal you it makes you feel isolated.