Hi Anita, I tried to write again and then kept running out of time.

Everytime i write something down i seem to write about things from a different angle, its not consistent in mood or subject and i think its because my life seems to be in turmoil all the time lately.

Right now its evening so i feel slightly safer, better, calmer. But today was another tricky day for work and that seems to be a rollercoaster for me at the moment of resentment, anger and just…suffering. What can i say, i want to leave so much but i can´t, its a bad time, it was never a good time! And in leaving, i will have lost everything ive worked for over the past 7 years..its just awful and unfair but thats life when you work for other people.

Today, the family member mostly avoided me and whenever i saw him he was slightly menacing/ proprietorial. He kind of mocked my inability to follow the conversation in their language and said something then switched to english saying  “isn´t that right Sossi?”. I somehow stayed calm all day, replied without any malice to his questions and was almost laughing to myself at how i could hold it all in, how did i manage not to rip his stupid head off? But no doubt he felt some kind of resentment himself, judging by his behaviour. I know it hurt his ego badly to lose the big prize sale he thought would impress everyone. But it was a fruitless day for me and i need a chance to make some income this month so im very worried.

By the end of the day, i felt really deflated from the lack of anything concrete for me and meanwhile our phones were pinging with news of his getting 2 new sales agreed, lucky for him.

Right at the END of the day when we had all gone home, he sent a public message to me asking with a fairly demanding tone about a property. I wont go into detail but it was particularly aggressive i thought because the owner is very ill in hospital and i am fond of her AND he knows this. So i replied as calmly as i could that it was not the time to ask….i could see that he had intended to call me out in front of all the others instead of asking me directly, which i would do…and instead came across as callous and greedy.And i know its because he felt victorious after a good day so was probably high on adrenalin.

A little bit later he hastily wrote a kind of failed catch of the ball, “i just wanted to know the status etc”. But i know it has not come across very well and possibly infuriated him even more because he can’t seem to get past me or rile me in any way.

The tone of the text has left me feeling sick, furious and crying from frustration that this nasty person is given so much success by my stupid boss. I know she is scared to face us and just doesnt want to hear about it. This particular client is another longstanding customer of mine who has been loyal to our company, my boss knew them before me, thats more than 7 years ago.

This has really kind of eclipsed my feelings about my ex today. It seems im surrounded by everything negative, it feels like they are trying to destroy me.

Maybe now it seems more apparent…that thinking about my ex is a kind of escape at the moment when i dont feel strong. I didnt see it that way when his news hurt me but now i do. I know that with previous times having good news or really bad news…i want to talk to him. Now that feeling is also taboo. So i just feel trapped and frustrated.

I know that i have to speak to my boss about this, AGAIN. But can predict the outcome will be denial and defence of her family.

My colleague told me early this morning she had decided definitely to leave..we have both suffered from the way things are now at the office.

SO….it seems to be, that what i originally wrote for has morphed into something else. For both situations i just want to go and get away from them physically and mentally. Im trying to leave work sensibly, with a plan in place, working with my friend. But the harrassment is hard to take. As for my ex, he seems to show up physically or mentally at times when i feel im getting better..

I think back to how things were before i got to this country. It wasnt so much easier with work, i spent some time unemployed and that was just as frightening. Ive always had a hard time with work and so i get very anxious with this kind of situation.

From depression to joy? I don´t really know what to say. Im not used to excited joy, last time i may have felt that way would have been around my ex…and then never again. years ago.

Dark and intense – well, when i was younger i think i was introverted, shy, creative and sometimes funny. Humor was my way of diffusing situations, it worked with my parents whenever they were intense as my mom can be. I was soft and i think, kind and naive. I dont feel i was aware of myself but other kids were aware of themselves and others. I know that other kids may have wished they had a different situation or life (my sister too) but i didnt have that feeling, i just accepted what was and felt it was enough. When i look back, i feel that is kind of zen, that i grounded myself strongly in my own sense, and that has helped me later in life when i am dealing with crap alone. My time alone is important to me, and is my kind of meditation which helps me to deal with the outside world. I learnt how to comfort myself.

I see how for other people that is not the case. They look for outside stimulus to keep themselves happy, they are always looking for a solution to their loneliness, even in a relationship. I guess i can be thankful i have this.

At the moment i have found it very hard to focus though, all these things wearing me down. But the feelings i felt very strongly about my ex are slowly subsiding and going away. I think, i hope, that with the beginning of May there will be a better view on the horizon.