Dear Kibou:

I want to expand on my yesterdays’ suggestion that you rewrite to me like a ten year old (or younger) would write, in a simple, direct, concrete language:

The title of your thread is: “I do not know if I just want to be heard or need some feedback/ advice”- what if you use your thread for the child in you to be heard?

You started your original post April 17 with: “Hi, I have difficulties with the feelings of abandonment, which is getting bigger”- notice, you have difficulties with the feelings of abandonment, that is, your difficulties are not with abandonment on the intellectual/ rational level, but on the feeling/ emotional level.

Let’s jump to your May 4 post. You wrote about your experience as a child: “I forgot or may not even have considered my own emotional needs”- that’s you, the intellectual, well-read, educated adult speaking with a vocabulary you picked up through the years of your later, second decade of life. How would a five year old, or a seven year old say what the adult-you expressed here? Maybe she would have said: I am sad and nobody cares that I am sad! with the corners of her mouth turned downward in anger.

See the difference in language? The adult uses general terms (“emotional needs”), the child uses specific, concrete terms (sad); the adult forgot and is not sure (“I forgot or may not..), the child remembers and is sure. The adult considers, the child knows.

Putting the exercise aside for a moment, I just noticed your anger while re-reading your recent post: “I was sharing often with a smile on my face and trying not to be too much of a burden”- I get the feeling that what’s behind the smile is anger: on one hand, you smile not wanting to be a burden, but on the other hand, you are angry for (allegedly) being a burden!

As I imagine that smile on your face, I can see (in my mind’s eye) the anger in it, in the rigidity of the smile perhaps, in it being forced perhaps, or disciplined, not free and spontaneous

Now back to your April 17 original post, regarding friends who kind-of ghosted you. One one hand, they told you the following: “They said I am their sparkle in their life that they needed, the most caring, loving & supportive friend they know… that.. they think I am thoughtful, fun to hang out with, and diligent…they all said they liked the memories and fun we had together. They all said I am cheerful or am supportive and caring”, but on the other hand: “It’s been 3 months now. That’s the longest I haven’t heard from them… why I am being ‘ghosted’ so often… The friend let me know .. I still hear from them from time to time, with the same ‘ghosting’ trend.. I also have been ‘ghosted’ by others”.

Trying to understand this contradiction, you considered that their mental health issues may be the explanation, or Covid.. but what if it’s your anger that explains some of the ghosting: they see your smile and appreciate it, but they sense the rigidity in that smile, the anger underneath, contorting it, but they are not sure because your anger has not been verbalized or directly expressed.

Back to my suggested exercise, talking/typing like a child in her first decade of life: talk about anger in a simple, direct, specific/ concrete language. It will help if you assume an angry face as you do this exercise (if you do), corners of your mouth turned down, eyebrows closer together, feeling tears almost, then talk, write, or type away.

anita