Hi Anita,

I think my lumbar pain has been localised on one side …this has been something that flared up last winter..i really think it was me doing too much lifting of heavy things by myself. Its hard to avoid computer work for hours on end, but i try to get up and move around..In fact i just had to change my job to accomodate this problem. I used to sit in the office 5 days a week glued to the desk and i knew i couldnt do it anymore, not mentally (with my combative and non communicative management) and not physically because of this..its like it made the decision for me! Im now a sales agent, so i can do most of my work from home but have much less income security on commission. It seems like a nuts decision in this market but i just couldnt do it anymore.

im also worried because when i was a teenager i had a serious traffic accident and my hip/s was fractured (i dont know for sure but not enough for surgery they said) I was about 16 and was under concussion, couldnt remember the accident. After this i remember i had back problems (shoulder and neck pain) years after, at different times in my life..i never really put it all together. I have only a file of papers that described my injuries generally but i may have to call up a hospital if i want to find out exactly what they were.

Regardless of that, many YEARS later, i now have a lower back problem that when it flares up…my hip joints and lower back are just awful, its hard to describe but its like a burning aching like fire and no position seemed to ease it. Its calmed down today a bit more so that has only been 2 intense days thankfully. I had been visiting a chiropracter but it was not improving…just a day or two after visiting them, i would have back ache again but nothing major. I stopped going because although he helped alignment of the spine it was really expensive and then i had experienced a lapse when i couldnt walk for a week…i decided to stop and just recover at home.

This time, i think i overdid my exercise routine, doing some leg lifts (only incremental movements) which means the hip joints are stretched. I dont really know which specialist to see anymore. A friend said see an osteopath maybe worth a try or back to the chiro.

On the subject of my mother, i think i have a hard time crystalizing and clearly viewing what the problems are. At times we bond well in certain ways but in many others she had a lack of understanding, empathy and seemingly would turn any event back to focus on her own life and problems. You could start talking about something that was bothering you …and find yourself once again, going over her childhood issues with this friend she used to know, or something about that person or family member etc.

I feel guilt in saying these things too. My parents have done a LOT for me, they´ve had to because for some reason everything has been difficult for me. No one hit me and at times theyve been very supportive saying they can always help. As an older woman now, i have doubts sometimes about my mothers honest intentions and behaviours. Can it be a strange jealousy of her own daughters? This competiveness and need to control that reveals itself in fights where she suddenly asserts, “this is MY home, MY car, MY etc”.

Its age old to me now, im used to it. But i know that my mother puts on a best behaviour around non-family members…which to her includes friends, boyfriends/partners of some years. I think my sister has knowingly and understandingly kept her partner from interacting too much…because of this problem. But in a funny twist, i feel my sister is developing a similar know it all behaviour…

For my parents, i dont know what their issue is with “other” people. But im sure its that they cant control us if we are with someone else. They have a need to be the authority.

So i guess it comes back to failures again, this suits very well…these failures in my life mean they will stay the authority. They have more money than me, a successful relationship, children. I have not. Somehow i feel if suddenly it changed and i met some guy and we had more than them…it would bother them, they would shrink in size maybe. Its sad isnt it, to think you have a sinking feeling of introducing your family…because your mother might end up sulking and/or crying in the bedroom because its not her spotlight?

My parents have only met 2 of my ex boyfriends parents…including this last ex. other times they have ever met “other family” there has been what feels like nuclear fallout from what i hear about it afterwards. My former ex partner´s parents were very different to us socially and my mom really felt instant dislike ….which she still reminds me of to this day, 15 years later. She also had a big problem with my sister´s ex father in law, they seemed to get on at first and then there was an incident at her wedding which was unforgiveable that i never saw. They also instantly dont like my sisters current inlaws because they are living marginally closer to my sister and their grandchild. I think all of this is about control. They feel enormous jealousy.

So with this backdrop in my mind, when my parents met my ex´s parents i was really nervous…to my surprise they seemed OK with each other, no insults thrown by way of the wrong thing said or anything…just..ok. My mom did something really weird though. They were sitting around a table and talking and she suddenly, like a young girl, got up and sat on my dad´s knee as she talked to them and laughed girlishly. As i was there, i thought it was highly bizarre behaviour. No one reacted like anything weird had happened but she had never done that before.

Bearing that in mind, his parents did well just to take it all in their stride. I liked them very much as well. Since nothing horrible happened i thought it was like a miracle.