Dear TeaK,

I’ve struggled with burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain. As I have a history of drug addiction, I can’t take any medication, making the pain worse. At the moment, everything feels like chronic pain.

For the last 5 years, I managed to reconnect with my mother and our relationship has been good and is slowly getting better. I failed her and neglected her for almost a decade. After my mental breakdown due to the abortion, I got a job as a lead engineer on a cruise ship. I traveled around the world, visited more than 100 countries, met loads of new people, learned and experienced tons of new cultures and traditions. For more than 10 years, I was “escaping” and “running” from my negative thoughts and tried to put a lid on my depression. The more I worked, the lesser time for negative thoughts. I felt important, I felt useful and I felt “loved”. At the same time, for the 10 years, I missed birthdays(attended only 2 birthdays), Christmas dinners, New Years’, engagements and weddings, childbirths, and family gatherings. During my off-times, usually 2-3 weeks a year, I used to stay at home, all by myself, and maybe visit my mother and siblings once or twice. It’s pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS(!). Valuable time that will never come again.

Due to my egoism and self-interests, I caused my mother so much pain. I was super ungrateful and didn’t care about anyone else. Looking back, I would swop the jet-set life in a heartbeat. I have learned the hard way and hurt the people that love and care about me most. I want to cry, but I’m empty of tears. I want to scream my lungs out to alleviate all of my hurt and pain, but I have no voice left. I want to get healed, but I don’t have any power left.