Hi @Sammy1 mate,

How are you? Sorry about the late reply I’ve just had a very productive weekend. ‘B’ was very very pleased and sure showed it through my love language ahaha, she was impressed and appreciated the hampers that I sent out to the family, even more than the flowers and doughnuts I sent her! She’s got competition now! I want her to open herself up to receive because she’s such a giver!

There’s no chance, given the current circumstances I’m going to drop the family comments bomb. She doesn’t need the stress but I did what you said, this morning I wrote a letter and printed it with a time stamp and sealed and put it in my desk. If the same situation arises again then I will give her the letter and discuss it with her after the wedding. I’m just going to sacrifice here for now.

The house I will be purchasing, yes you heard right I’m going ahead! It’s something I would have considered purchasing even if I wasn’t engaged to ‘B’ they need a quick sell so although a big spend, it is too good of an investment to pass up- it needs doing up, so can be a place you can transform into a forever home or turn a significant profit. I’m actually very traditional though in certain things so I want to be able to buy my wife a home, that’s important to me. I know what you’re thinking if things go pear shaped i could take a financial hit but something like that would never require thought with ‘B’ her morals are so entrenched in her and I love her for it and lately I’m choosing to commit to my love for her and not the fears.

You’re so on the money Sammy, for a while now I’ve let the fears take control. Much like I did the first time and look where it landed me. It’s really hard, fighting the insecurities is not a quick fix, fighting the ego which wants to just protect itself then you become stubborn and do stupid things! I have my first therapy session booked in this week.

As @Jay2023 said I don’t want to suffer for my demons anymore either. My own insecurities cause me to project unrealistic expectations or nitpick. ‘B’ doesn’t need to be by my side 24/7, I see the importance of her taking space and I recognise this woman will support me when I really need in dark times or when I’m sick but I must not depend on her too much or expect too much. I want to live a fulfilled life and not keep ruining things with a woman who has been my biggest cheerleader, hypes me, but the best possible thing I’ve gotten is someone who encourages me to be the best version of my self every day. She constantly challenges me. 

I want to be able to drown out the voices that make me fall short and feel like a failure. I just want to give myself the love I deserve – ‘B’. I want to return it to her in the best way too as she really deserves so much.

This weekend I realised I need to dig deeper, I’ve grown tired of my defense mechanism from the pain from the ex. It has ruined so much already. Although I’ve come very far from where I was, I have done a lot of healing and maturing, I don’t want to carry any of remaining baggage into my new life with ‘B’. If that means forgiving and forming a new relationship with them so be it. If it means doing 12 step program so be it.

We’ll see but i want to love from the place you said not from fear of losing. She has always loved from a place of wholeness but lately my fears and issues caused her to feel insecurities and instability. I can’t have her feeling that ever again!!

Her and I are both grafters we believe on working on love so in many ways we fall in love more each day, it’s been a slow burn not an instant spark.

I’m grateful for that because she really sees me. With all my flaws she still has this amazing faith in me and my capabilities even if I can’t quite see it myself yet. So it’s about bloody time I looked at me with a magnifier and become better for myself. Then that will make me better for her too.

@Jay2023 bro is everything sound in your world? Is subduedness a sign of you having a upswing or needing some space to deal? Here for you mate, I understand what you are feeling on deeper level than you may think. We’re going to make wrongs right and be better mate.  We’re all in this together so got to keep grafting bro.