Dear Umm,

I am glad this is helpful and you want to go deeper, to the core of the problem.

It appears your mother is strict and controlling (like mine 🙂 ), constantly worried about you and not having faith in you. Does she criticize you often too? If so, you’ve probably grown up with the feeling of not being good enough, and “there’s something terribly wrong with me”.  You also probably think you’re unlovable and don’t deserve love. That’s why you allow people to mistreat you – because deep down, you believe you don’t deserve better.

You’re attracted to people who are problematic and are trying to “save” them, so you could finally get the love you crave for. Those people are a little like your mother – critical of you, trying to control you (like your boyfriend), and not really giving you the love you deserve. But you’re hoping that some day, they will change and will finally love you as you’d want them to. It’s almost like trying to make your mother love you, only now it’s not your mother but your boyfriend. But the dynamic is similar.

How do you break free from it? First, by recognizing that you’re running this pattern, and that there’s a wounded child inside of you who is still chasing your mother’s love. Then to give love to your inner child, to make her feel loved and appreciated. This will re-write the false imprint that you’re not good enough and that you don’t deserve love.

It’s not an overnight process, but it starts with a realization that there’s an unmet need in you (for love) that you need to fulfill by loving yourself, not by expecting others to fill it. Once you do that, your relationships will change too…