if you showed up back then.. when I was your age and we talked as we talk now, maybe .. no, not maybe, I know I wouldn’t feel alone anymore, it would have been wonderful.. you would have been enough, for me.

I was wondering what it feels like, to have a person like you in real life, how my life could’ve change, how greatful i would be, then i remembered what i already have, a little sister, that loves me, and i love her too, i like when she gets mad over simple things, and she start to hit and scream, im the only one that let her do that, she is so comfortable with me, i always wanted someone to be kind with, to show him my true self, to just give and understand, the same way you do to me, i really don’t have any words, the don’t just understand me, you even like me, and i feel so warm, just knowing that there is a person like you, so perfect, i feel like words can describe how grateful i am, i have hope, that maybe i could meet people like you, and im welling to try from what i have, i just saw a guy outdoor alone, and went to talk to him, to give, not make him lonely, just the same way you do to me, without any price.

I want to re-read your recent posts

Please don’t, i wanted to edit/delete some of them, im already so tired of my thoughts, i want you to forget all the things i said back there, i should’ve thought more about it before i write, and for that im sorry, i promised that i will make effort, and the past few post i didn’t made much, i repeat myself a lot, A LOT, the same ideas over and over again, the same excuses, the same reged thinking, i don’t want you to see me like that, you already saw me at my worse, and i can’t believe you still like me somehow, you just too perfect i swaer lol, i will make a new post tomorrow after your reply, hopefully not something that involves any of this above, i really don’t know what, you already know me, i feel like i already said everything, so i would appreciate it if you guide me with this conversation

our communication is different from last time

I don’t know if i told you this, but when you didn’t want to replay anymore, i imagined you leaving, a lot, we were sitting on a bunch, some garden, and you leave, and i cry, beg you not to go, but you leave, some part of the fantasy i didn’t like, you leaveing, the void i would feel, not being seen again, not being heard, no attention, no sympathy, i fantasized this a lot, before i get bored of it, the part of you not liking me hurt the most, i remember just now, this feels like a past life, like it was never me, i happen to have a short memory of the past, i don’t remember much, but sometimes when i do, and i see myself now, i just realize how much i changed, for the better, how much did i grow, and i don’t even try to grow, it just happens,  i don’t even try anymore with anything, i just live

One thing i wanted to ask you, and maybe go deep on it, is that i like sadness, no let me correct myself, i LOVE sadness, i miss it, the pure sadness everyday, the misery, the helplessness, you know i actually somehow get excited for those, i sometimes fantasize about just being so miserable, having something so bad to happen to me, and just be dipped in sadness and misery, this thing reminds me of my mom, she like being a victim, she is so sensitive that if we said something slightly bad, she would cry, i think she enjoy it, but she doesn’t know, this is bad i know, and i like not having this mood, the sadness, ever since i took antidepressants, though its the only feeling i had.