Dear TeaK,

I haven’t taken any medication, painkillers, or drugs(MDMA, cocaine, marijuana, and meth) since I was rehabilitated almost 20 years ago. Even when in pain or when I have a severe migraine, I opt to just “sleep” through it. I still remember the excruciating pain of withdrawals, the muscle cramps, the hot and cold flushes, and the mental fatigue, I’m too scared to take any medication or pills. And, I know I’m not disciplined enough to withstand the urge to overdose, especially when I’m at the breaking point. The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.

I know for sure, that if I have the option I will take any shortcut I can get, hence, I can’t take any medication. My therapist says there are other options, such as ECT(Electroconvulsive therapy). But as I can understand, it has to be done while I’m under anesthesia,  and commonly, they use Methadone or Morphine.

Every morning is a battle. My mind is going on overdrive every morning and is feeding all the demons inside me. My therapist says my cortisol and melatonin levels are not on par, hence I need to change my diet.