Hi Anita,

Thank you for your perspective, its quite a problem for me, being mostly alone and trying to interpret what is going on around me. I also do not always follow what people are saying because of the language barrier so sometimes i know i come across as dumb, because i dont always understand. Its frustrating but ive become used to that. So the bullying and negativity are a combination i know fairly well.

I know other people who simply speak their own language and dont bother to learn but if im honest, ive done really well to get so far and having some knowledge, it is going to be an advantage when the world turns to shit, as it might.

And with regards to my friend looking for work and a place to call home, i feel a great deal of empathy beause i know how he feels even though he looks a lot like the local people and i dont. He says he has experienced a lot of racism but i know he is also antagonistic sometimes. You need the patience of a saint sometimes. Culturally speaking i think he is a better match for a country like the States. When i first moved here, it was a recession and no one had any money. There were literally no young people and i thought i had come to the end of the line….but…..i found through my patience, that people were kind, gentle, sweet and helpful. I just felt gratitude because i had nothing. I think im talking about older generations mainly though. I think the younger generation here is impatient, greedy and does not have time to understand other cultures. There´s a difference. And there are new visitors too, impatient, demanding….its sad sometimes but that is what an increasingly succesful economy attracts, no one has time to stop.

We now have a lot of wealthy older foreign people from all over …expensive cars and more increasingly younger couples who want to live a cleaner life by the sea. That is the marketing speak though. There is another side and that is the people who are searching for answers or running away from something. The ocean is a great attraction for the lost.

What im trying to understand in myself is why i am struggling through this life when, like my friend i could just say “this isnt working, im going”. I know its not as simple maybe, i have elderly parents i have to think of  who are vunerable here but its more the fact that im already older, tired of living in different countries. It would have probably all fallen into place if i had met the right guy i think as most women fall into a routine that way. Being alone is very hard, i have to be very strong all the time.

Its good to hear your perspective that i am misinterpreting situations as this makes me hopeful that things arent as bad as they seem. But they still seem bad! I dont feel there is much doubt that the family member at work has made my job harder and so forced me to look at other options, he would prefer me to leave. Ive let other people´s issues affect me and its poison for the mind. Also influenced by my colleague, i guess we have come to our own conclusions. When in doubt you refer to your instinct about situations and coincidences rarely exist do they?

And my ex is long gone. Ive hung on and on with the dream-like imagining that i am special somehow. It seemed preferable, understandably when you consider the lonely reality, to believe that i have some hold on him. I guess i wanted to feel wanted by someone that i was attracted to. But there is no magic there, he is a narcissist who is probably abusing the woman he is with. In fact i think one of the best things i did was to talk to one of the women he left me for (the first time around) because i could then see the delusion in her for myself. I try to remind myself of that. She left him soon after and i must admit, i think i saved her from a lot of pain. But i suffered it. I got back with him and then he left me again for his current girlfriend. he was my drug like nothing i had experienced before. Crazy that this can happen and you think you are so rational as a person but around him i would lose myself.