I have managed to recoup a little bit now.

I know I’m not responsible nor can I “heal” my mother’s pain and depression. But, the compassion and hurting are unbearable.

I found my mother crying, she was devastated, heartbroken. She was so hurt and sobbed like a kid. It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. I tried to comfort and console my mother, and she uttered the thing I feared most, the things that have nagged me my whole life. My mother told me that she has felt empty, lonely, and dead inside almost her whole life. She said she missed her parents(both deceased), her siblings(3 of them deceased)immensely and felt completely alone and empty. It just shattered my heart. I’ve felt miserable for a while and struggled with anxiety and depression, and know the feeling. It just shocked my world, to know that she has struggled with this for so many years, not being able to be happy, not being able to talk to anyone, share her pain, get help. My mother apologized for not being able to protect me and my brothers, apologized for not being able to provide for us, giving us time and a good life. Not being be able to help us. She felt guilt and shame and failed as a mother. She has so many regrets, so much pain, so much hurt. It was heart-wrenching, to see the person you love most, be in so much pain and for so long.

We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.

I want her to live a good life, with a lot of happiness and love. She is now moving in with my brother, he and his wife will be taking care of her and hopefully, she will be able to enjoy some good time with her grandchildren.