Hi Anita,

As usual i have written and rewritten about this..its hard as i know this is also a public forum and that i am effectively, an open study. But on the other hand i hope that people read with an open mind of understanding i am human, no matter what they may judge me as being. I feel that i am often judged badly. People have a need to put you in your place, whether above or below them. I have no need for that, but i see a lot of people do and it bothers me.

I would like to meet people and see them just calm as they are. But in reality, where i am, we attract a lot of frazzled and desperate people looking for a sense of peace (by the sea of course!). Unfortunately even i could tell them its not outside themselves but within. I sound like a guru i know. Im not a hippie type at all but im just accepting of what is..i think maybe that is rare because so many people come here with big ideas.

I know there is the tendancy to find that someone is to blame in our past childhood. I certainly know that my mom has narcissitic tendencies but is capable of empathy and my father i guess is a control freak (sometimes “accidentally” locking my mother in the house)  with some other unidentified issues (social anxiety, need for approval from my mother, no need for any other contact). My sister has not been around much and not really responsive to any kind of introspection of what may be wrong in the relationship we have so i have had to come to these conclusions alone. It was only after my ex  boyfriend experience..i realised how similar he was to my mothers behaviour, both in negative and positive. I have worried many times that i am like my father, the sufferer.

I also know, that while my moms behaviour affected us girls directly, she also reacted to her experiences. Her mother died when she was 20, i think that was a lifechanging experience of what options she had for her future.

I know im probably unpopular in my opinion, having children is the most obvious self love you can show…and also, for the wrong person, the most selfish thing.

Once you have children you may feel you can do no wrong. I see how women who have children become amazingly arrogant. Some use their motherhood as a tool to get what they want in life, some use it for power. Some use their children to manipulate situations, who hasnt felt that?

I remember saying to my pregnant sister “dont let it change you” and it did almost immediately…She became other than herself and that person wont come back. Her job is now to raise her daughter but how much of that is for the child and how much is actually for herself or her partners goals? these are kind of taboo subjects right? What happens to womens brains when they have children.

I also had a childhood friend who had a baby years ago and immediately after, she became very selfrighteous and demeaning towards me which i thought was very basic and wrong..i cut her off after that as it was clear she didnt feel much kindness towards me.