I didn’t enjoy it much Thursday, I am not enjoying myself right now

i thought it was about my past remark, so i point it out to make sure

when we suffer less, make us desire life. This desire for life is hidden when we are depressed, but it is not gone

i actually don’t want to desire life, its too expansive for me

 there is a question mark at the end, making it a question, not an affirmative statement. There is a hidden desire to live in this title

yes, that is the dreamy thinking, hope you might say, although i was asking only for validation (and the hope is to be wrong)

your inborn desire to live

i don’t see these things worth it honestly, though i was just saying the things that i do have and feel grateful for, and to not be advised to change my lifestyle, since i already think this is the best one for me

 a desire that is a core characteristic in all that is alive

hmm, do i wanna survive? yes, do i wanna live? no (by living i mean the normal way), is survival worth it? no

these days, i feel so numb, a numbness like no other, i sometimes miss the sadness i used to feel all day when i wasn’t on drugs, the insomnia, the killer boredom, the urgent desire for intimacy, im glad all that is gone, i always wanted to live like this, a zombie, just existing

i wanted to ask you something, there is this thing, i will give an example, im sitting comfortably watching a movie and i remember what i lost (females) usually this idea doesn’t bother me i leaned to accept it, but when it comes fast in my mind, it feels like a slap out of nowhere, i get annoyed for 5 sec then it goes away, this happen often, if i see (in movies or social media) or think about this kind of thing, mostly its the jealousy thing, when i see someone else have what i really craved for, then i remember its my fault, then i just remember it doesn’t matter to me anymore, when this happen often i laugh or just say F**K, sometimes even loud, i remember reading something about this for the people that have OCD, though this is bit different, what do you think ?