Hi Anita,

Ive been preoccupied lately with work and my health, which has not been good – the back pain turning into sciatica down one leg, now i walk with a limp and my foot is numb..im getting more exams but..it really sometimes feels like punishment. Ive tried to recover but it just gets worse. Work has taken a dive when i lost out to sell something that would have made a huge huge difference…apparently just a matter of 1 or 2 days timing, so unfair right? since then, things have been very weak, worsened by covid threatening to shut everything down.

I feel now that my attitude has to somehow change..im never going to “get” the result i want, the successes that i work so hard for just won´t materialise…what i used to believe was that karma had my back, things tended to come true as i had predicted but now people seem to be just so arrogant and stubborn around me and things keep going wrong for me. Thats not going to change is it? Do the mean people get to win?

i feel like im trying too hard in the wrong way and that i have to learn to be different. Its frustrating. In fact, frustration seems to be my main feeling in life! increasingly, anger.

Ive tried to rely on my senses too much, but they are unreliable…reading tarot and starsign information online hoping that the information will point me in the right direction because trying hard hasnt. Nothing coming good. I still think of my ex but a little less, just sadness in its place. I dont feel motivated to meet new people, i just want it to happen..somehow believing that if i try, it will fail..it should be fate.

you asked if i felt you judged me…because i felt judged by others. I think i felt you probably judged my mother and her lack of interest to support us, her daughters, by what i have said which of course in reality is one-sided. But it aligned with my opinions built up over the last 15 or so years.

i said in several ways, that she has jealousy issues..problems relating with women i think mainly. My father is a wall of denial. My sister doesnt want to discuss anything uncomfortable and just seems to display worryingly similar traits now to my mother (she has to be right, is arrogant). I used to get very angry about my dad´s lack of interest to protect his kids when she was unreasonable, he wont do anything to fix it. he allows her to continue behaving like a child. He would say and still would, that we need to appreciate our mother´s point of view…even when it was clear to a teenager or a young adult, that she was behaving selfishly and her temper tantrums were clearly encouraged when he helped her this way. Ive pleaded with him to take her to a councellor as he in particular suffers the constant barrage of her thoughts himself , and sometimes her verbal abuse, but denies himself any solution. They found each other in their 20s no doubt with family issues and so this is deeply cemented.  I guess even though i hate it, i take after him. I think that people outside our family find him to be weak, to be crawling. As i do.

I think that people reading this will consider me weak too and probably just a victim, a loser in life. I feel i have fought, managing the feelings i have from the experiences i have had and get..on a daily basis. The truth is that i dont know how to deal with them the right way. Ive probably never learnt that. And constantly meeting people who end up being just as abusive and manipulative…ive ended up feeling that the odd one out is me. That i have to be manipulative and mean. I don´t relate to women who walk into a room, see a total stranger and have an instant dislike…but there are many people like that.