Hi Anita,

Thank you. Its nice to hear someone say that they believe you.

The leg situation is going to have to wait till i get further tests, i reckon it means physiotherapy for a while but for now it seems to have calmed down a bit…i have new respect for people living with chronic pain or disability because its the first time i had this situation..it makes you so tired, it makes you feel desperate sometimes too, it affects your mental state.

As i think ive said before, i struggle to define my mother as purely narcissistic or selfish. As the children, we dont want to believe that our parents can mean to hurt us. although her main behaviour has shown her selfish tendencies there are also times where she has shown to have thoughts that are caring..but just not carried out in the way some other mothers might. I never thought about it when i was younger but in our family we don´t really hug or anything like that. My sister has always been a very difficult person to get a word out of..and so i have more or less had to work these conclusions out by myself.

I learnt from a young age to rely on my own company, my own strength and my own council. which of course doesnt always work and sometimes feels like i need superhuman strength to get by. When i was younger, my older sister never took responsibility and instead would lash out and get angry, so i took on the “older” role while she seemed to just be resentful.  I reckon that i developed a lack of awareness of myself, a detachedness, so that later on, people trying to get to know me…get a cold response, or at least a very brief , dismissive one. I realise that now but it may be too late to change..how do you get the respect? how do you protect yourself from the reactions of others? ive no idea. I just dont seem to learn.

Instead of spreading my net wide to have more options of friendships or meeting more than one guy, i chose to be very very loyal to one or two people…it doesnt work out. This has applied to everything including of course, my work, which i should have left at the first signs of negative bias, years ago. They all take for granted that they can abuse what they want. Arrogance seems to be the norm these days.

Im tired of always being strong, of ignoring comments made to me because im always alone with no one behind me to back me up. Im tired of being kind to disrespectful people who if im honest, were educated to be rude to others.

If i recognise being a victim, then i want to know a solution. At 44 i need answers becuase i have been patient, i have tried and failed in so many ways. I have high standards for myself…and these are ones i never pass.